Weenie Wars Erupt In Silicon Valley!

Fake News written by Dave Finton on Wednesday, April 19, 2000

from the we're-not-talking-about-hot-dogs dept.

Unrelated Stock News: Dwight Erlenmeyer's Rear Raises $400,000,000 in successful IPO; "Profits, my ass" declares CEO

Today investors, analysts, and bathroom attendents all across Silicon Valley were up in arms over the start of what many people referred to as "Weenie Wars". Weenies working over at the Redmond, WA campus of Microsoft Headquarters(tm) threw down the gauntlet Thursday when it was discovered that a DLL contained the Microsoft Certified Encrypted (the text was reversed) string "Netscape engineers are weenies!"

"This is War," declared Microsoft Chairman Bill "I'm The Biggest Weenie Of Them All" Gates. "We will destroy Netscape yet. Damn you, Steve Case!"

Netscape weenies, who also share some overlap with the Mozilla weenies, welcomed the challenge and have already taken measures to ensure a successful couterattack. "The Mozilla Weenie Team have not taken this lying down," said Steve Case, Head Weenie of AOL, Time Warner, CNN, and the remaining northern half of the Western hemisphere. "The open source nature of our browser gives us more than enough firepower to humiliate Gates' pet weenies into submission!" Case then went on a taunting spree, pointing at the television camera and adressing Gates personally "I own CNN, I own CNN! Thhhpppppppt!!!" while sticking his toungue out.

Eric Raymond, gun-toting flute-playing weenie, told reporters that "While I was looking through the Mozilla source code, I saw that someone inserted the phrase 'Billy is a weenie! Nyah nyah nyah' at the top, and below that a ASCII text image of a guy mooning the reader. This was inserted at the beginning of every source file. It was frikkin' hilarious!"

"It wasn't just a scanned-in image, either," said Raymond with awe in his voice. "Someone actually took the time to create the ASCII image with his bare hands. It was beautiful: Art at its highest!" Raymond then wiped a tear from his eye.

Slashdot weenies are, as usual, raising a maelstorm over the matter. The entire internet experienced the brunt of the force of the Slashdot Effect. It was a day network administrators around the world would never forget.

"My God! The router! This purple flame shot out of it! It was horrible!" screamed George Guy, an weenie employee of UUNet, now undergoing rehabilitation. "I hadn't seen anything like it since that Monika Lewinsky thing came out! Oh wait, there was that DeCSS thing. My insurance company has threatened not to pay for my phychiatrist's medical bills; it's in the thousands this week alone!"

Richard Stallman, a weenie who for some odd reason has this thing with large hairy mammalian herding weenie animals, declared this day a "blow against our natural right to share with our neighbors. In fact, last week my neighbor Frank said 'Um, Richard, thanks for the free GNU/Linux CD, but I don't even own a computer. I appreciate the thought, but please don't come over again.' See? This is obviously a nefarious plot to undermine our freedoms!"

No one knows how this Silicon Valley soap opera will last. God willing, someone out there will put those responsible out of their misery soon. "These employees must be punished. They violated the laws set forth by their superiors," said marketing weenie Jill Smith. "They will be dealt with in the appropriate manner." She then pushed an evil button that did evil things to handsome international spies with numerical aliases (whose boss has an alphabetical one).

"This is a highly critical and relavent issue in world affairs. Things like this could make or break the technology market, and thus the world market. Let us be thankful that important developments in the computer industry are guided by infantile, hostile emotions over trivialities. Where would the world be otherwise?" said some guy who was obviously a communist idealist and a proponent of the subversive "freeware" movement, whereby "hackers" hope to make multibillion-dollar companies actually responsible for their actions.

What does this mean for Humorix readers? Absolutely nothing.

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