Email Virus Meets American Lottery Craziness

Fake News written by Dave Finton on Saturday, May 13, 2000

from the crime-does-pay-for-the-fbi dept.

In a bizarre twist of events yesterday, millions of Americans who are really bad at math stampeded to their nearest gas station to buy dozens of lottery tickets each. The reason? No, they weren't trying to win hundreds of millions of dollars. Rather, the FBI, lacking any real credible leads, has decided to hold a national lottery to determine who will be the next lucky ILOVEYOU computer virus suspect.

First, it was some guy in the Phillipines. Then it was an American high-school drop-out that seemed to fit the "lone crazed computer hacker" stereotype so well some of us here at Humorix openly wondered whether or not the guy was a computer-generated program himself (well all of us except for James Baughn, whom we all know for sure is a computer generated program). No one knows who will be next in the race to nab the ticket to become the next lucky suspect. Will it be you?

"Nothing categorizes the herd-instinct mentality of the American people quite like the national lottery," said Billy Bob Smith, a well-respected instructor and researcher at the University of Minnesota's science labs and chicken race farms. As Billy Bob munched on Dorrito's and guzzled down an entire two-liter of Coke while updating his portfolio using Microsoft Word, he continued "This is why we are at the mercy of the major corporate powers. We must stop our consuming ways before our rights are vanquished and our economy as well as our entire planet collapses under its own weight! Now if you will excuse me I have to run because I left the engine running in the second Sport Utility Vehicle I just bought for my wife. The three that I own seem to run out of gas awfully quick."

Indeed, some people are going nuts over puchasing the tickets en mass. Joan Frisbee, a local woman who teaches English at a rural elementary school, told Humorix reporters, "I bought 2,000 of these tickets. You know what they say about luck; you can't win if you don't try." When we informed her that she probably wouldn't win anyways if she did try she merely covered her ears and sang the "La la la I can't hear you" song over and over again until we had no choice but to do the same.

FBI agents were quick to point out that just because they had to resort to picking suspects at random didn't mean their investigative abilities were out of date. "We have a computer that does the random name-picking. See? We're just as tech-savvy as those darned virus authors," said FBI agent What's-his-name. "I fact, the agency has just authorized the purchace of a new computer for next year. We're all realy excited about it because this new computer will have a 'hard disk' and a 'monitor'! What will they think of next?"

Will the lottery craziness ever end? Maybe, says government researcher Jerry Ryan. "But I think the odds of that are only slightly higher than getting struck by 200 lightning bolts while getting hit by a bus and finding a five-leaf clover simultaneously."

But as he pulled out his 40,000 lottery tickets from his pocket, he exclaimed gleefully, "But hey, that's never stopped anyone before!"

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