Microsoft Split in Two!

Fake News written by Matthew "There is no conspiracy" Adair on Sunday, May 14, 2000

from the i-don't-think-the-judge-meant-it-literally dept.

REDMOND, WA -- The people of Redmond were jostled out of their normal life routine as a gigantic LASER struck the offices of Microsoft, spliting the campus in two and leaving behind a massive rift in the ground. All work has stopped at One Microsoft Way on the progress of the goal of One Microsoft Way as Borg drones crash into each other.

"I hate this!", complained one unnamed Microserf. "I was going to send my sub-adjunct this status report and then ZAP!, this giant LASER comes down and blows my Ethernet line, not to mention my PC, to bits. Damn Open Source zealots, now I can't get any work done!"

After the LASER attack, all Microserf eyes immediately turned to the Andover.Net Geek Compound in Holland, Michigan. Last week several Microsoft hired goons (lawyers) descended on the Geek Compound demanding that Slashdot replace a recent anti-Microsoft article with Bill Gates' "The Case For Microsoft" editorial. Certainly Rob Malda had the desire and motivation to forcibly split Microsoft in two, but he denies any connections with the attack. "I've been too busy cashing in my stock options and preparing my Webby Awards acceptance speech to worry about such trivial matters as destroying the world's most evil corporation."

However, the mystery was settled hours later by the appearance of a large orbiting spacecraft. The UFO used sophisticated technology to broadcast the following message to all television sets in the world:

We interrupt "Who Wants To Be Embarrased On National TV By Regis Philbin" to bring you this warning from the spacecraft G.S.S. Linusgrad. We have detected a virus on your world called Microsoft. It will strangle your legal and economic systems and result in a global Segfault that will destroy civilization as you know it. A similar event occured 65 million years ago in which the dinosaurs faced extinction at the hands of 'Tyrannosoft'.

We are taking matters into our own hands to ensure that the GNUist Revolution(tm) extends through all possible universes and dimensions, including this one. We have already executed Stage 1 in our plan -- though not entirely successfully, as we meant to fully disintegrate Microsoft into ten billion pieces instead of exactly two, but we're still satisfied.

Long live the GNUist Revolution!

That is all.

Agent Double-Oh Zero, the head of our Vast Spy Network(tm), has managed to acquire a screen dump of the terminal display on the U.S.S. Linusgrad as the LASER was fired. We asked Mr. Zero how he happened to obtain this document, but the 83 year old spy simply said, "I forget."

[UPGR.GSSLinusgrad.localhost]$ cd /bin/weapons/alan-parsons-proj/
[UPGR.GSSLinusgrad.localhost]$ LASERcom
Welcome to LASERcom 1.0 -- LASER Annilhilates Software Empires Rapidly
Arming LASER... done.
Please specify intensity (0-Sunburn; 9-Supernova): 9
Please specify target: Microsoft HQ, Redmond, WA, USA, Sol III
Searching... Target locked on Bill Gates' office.
Ready to fire (Yes/Sure/Fine/OK)? Y
Building charge... done.
Firing in 5... 4... 3... 2...
LASER Energized... done!
Target Eliminated.
Thank you for using LASERcom, an evil program designed by Comrade Penguin. There Is No Conspiracy(tm).
[UPGR.GSSLinusgrad.localhost]$ wall "Mission accomplished. There'll be a party held on Deck 3 at 1800 hours to celebrate. Free beer and speech for everyone!"

Microsoft Chief Software Architect & Money Counter Bill Gates immediately announced, "We knew there was something fishy about the Evil GNUist Conspiracy. It's a trans-dimensional plot to take over everything and infect all universes with Open Source software! However, we are pleased to announce to our end-users that Microsoft is developing an innovative space platform to attack all threats to our suplica... err, users. Features will include the ability to attack through multiple probablitiy levels, which will allow us to strike bcak at the UPGR homeworld of Earth (probable version 8493257198251257956) and put an end to this menace."

The response Bill Gates received was this: "We of the UPGR laugh at this. More than likely the features described won't make the cut, and if they do they will be buggy as all hell. Our GNUist Starships use a special mix of BSD and Linux, ensuring maximum stability and usability. I assure you that your Space Station 1.0 will not survive long. The universe is a cold, cold place, Mr. Gates, so I hope you have a space suit on..."

We have already traced this message to the basement of Humorix World Headquarters, which leads us to the conclusion that a Humorix employee is actually a GNUist operative (although it's not James Baughn since we all know he's a computer generated program written in Perl). Our options are limited to Jon Splatz, Dances With Herring, and Mat... oops, ignore that. I am not the spy. I have no ties with the UPGR. I am not ComradePenguin Once and for all, I tell you that There Is No Conspiracy(tm)! So stop bugging me!

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