It's All A Conspiracy

Fake News written by James Baughn on Monday, May 15, 2000

from the just-because-you're-paranoid dept.

NEW HAVEN, CT -- Today is the last day of the First Annual Connecticut Conspiracy Convention, the largest gathering of paranoid conspiracy theorists this side of Roswell. I'm reporting from the Humorix Booth on the showroom floor, where we've been recruiting Vast Spy Network(tm) members. However, the big news of the day is the speculation surrounding the Microsoft vs. Slashdot showdown.

The chairman of the Connecticut Conspiracy Club and organizer of the ConConCon, Bob Notmyrealname, said during his keynote speech earlier today, "Microsoft's actions against Slashdot indicate a sinister Redmond-based conspiracy. Microsoft obviously hired some Anonymous Cowards to post the comments containing the copyrighted Kerberos documentation just to give Microsoft lawyers a pretense to sue."

After the speech the general consensus among conspiracy theorists was that a Microsoft was engaged in a conspiracy. "Congress only passed the DMCA in exchange for Microsoft's secret Windows 98 version that doesn't crash. This whole Kerberos thing has been concocted from the very beginning by Microsoft's Linux Focus Group. There's all kinds of clues planted in the Halloween Documents."

Not everybody agrees, though. One person commented, "This is a GNUist plot! The only reason Microsoft was able to embrace-extend-and-smother MIT's Kerberos was because it's covered by the BSD license and not GPL. This is just an elaborate meta-meta-conspiracy concocted by Richard Stallman and the GNU Project to get the last word in the BSD vs. GPL flamefest."

One convention attendee shouted, "You are all idiots! There's no Microsoft conspiracy. Get a life!" He was greeted by shouts of "He's a government agent!" and "It's a Microserf! Get 'em!" He was chased out of the Offramp Motel and told to never come back.

Another hot topic of discussion besides Microsoft is the ILOVEYOU virus, which we covered last time. More than one person has speculated that an alliance between the RIAA and Unisys are behind the Outlook email virus. ILOVEYOU overwrites MP3 and GIF files, which leads many people to wonder whether the music and file compression conglomerates weren't behind the whole ordeal in an effort to "protect their intellectual property".

All in all, the ConConCon was an overwhelming success, except for the rumors that all attendees now have an FBI, CIA, and NSA criminal file if they didn't before. We've recruited twenty-five new spies for our Humorix Branch Offices in Helsinki, Redmond, and Washington, D.C. Plus, several people expressed interest in buying access to Humorix's Spy Satellite Number #2, the only spy satellite available to the general public.

If you're in the area, stop by before the end of the convention today at 8:00pm. The Humorix Booth is on the first floor of the Offramp Motel, just about 15 feet (or 4.5 meters, but we all know Metric is a French conspiracy) to the left of the lead-shielded wiretap-proof phone booths in the back.

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