MP3's Are Ripping Band Off -- Says High-Priced Lawyer

Fake News written by Dave Finton on Wednesday, May 17, 2000

from the we-desperately-need-a-lawyer-hunting-season dept.

A few weeks ago Metallica® condemned the actions of 96% of its fan base when it announced a lawsuit against Napster, Inc. Today in a followup press release Metallica's chief lawyer further raised MP3 users' ire by claiming that they were "ripping Metallica off" and would persue legal action to the fullest extent of the law, "no matter how long it takes".

"These MP3 users are taking money straight from my client's pocket," said Metallica's lawyer in an exclusive interview with Humorix reporters. As he lit up a Cuban cigar with a hundred dollar bill and puffed leisurely into the air, he continued, "I will make sure these actions against my client are stopped, even if it means suing every single person who ever downloaded a Metallica song over the internet. If necessary, I'll work on this case continuously for the next twenty years, 365 days a year, 8 hours a day, $200 an hour.

"I'm gonna make a killing!" he added.

Lars Ulrich, drummer for Metallica, chimed in, saying, "We'll spend every cent we have to fight this. How can we stand by while MP3 users inflict millions in theoretical damages against us by violating outdated and arbitrary copyright laws designed and written by multi-billion dollar businesses who are more interested in protecting their somewhat illegally amassed wealth than in ushering in a new age of collaboration and progress? Our fans must be brought in line now!"

Metallica's lawyer followed this up by jumping up and down yelling, "Yes! There is a sucker born every minute! I'm gonna be rich!!! Cha-ching!"

Lars finished off the interview by arguing, "The bottom line is that nobody has a natural right to listen to music for free." I flipped on a portable radio, which just happened to be tuned to a station playing a Metallica song. Lars and his lawyers said in unison, "OH MY GAWD! How did we forget about radio? We'll sue every person who has ever listened to a Metallica song for free on the radio! We've hit the jackpot! Cha-ching! Cha-ching!"

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