Won't Somebody Please Think Of The Microsoft Shareholder's Children?
Fake News written by on Wednesday, June 7, 2000
KANSAS CITY, MO -- The Evil Monopoly will soon be a duopoly of MICROS~1 and MICROS~2 now that Judge Jackson has made his ruling. Geeks everywhere are shedding tears of joy, while Microsoft investors are shedding real tears. But not everybody is ecstatic about the ruling. "It dawned on me today that if Microsoft is broken up, we won't have anyone to bash anymore. We can have that," said Rob Graustein, the founder of the new "Save Microsoft Now! Campaign".
Rob continued, "I know what you're thinking! I have not been assimilated... er, hired... by Microsoft. I'm not crazy. I haven't been paid off, either, although if Bill is willing to send a billion my way I won't complain too loudly. My life as a geek revolves around bashing Microsoft. I mean, I own the world's largest collection of anti-Microsoft T-shirts and underwear. It's time to take a stand against the elimination of Geek Enemy #1. Bashing the MPAA, RIAA, Mattel, Amazon, USPTO, UniSys, DoubleClick, Bank of America, and every other geek-crossing organization just isn't as fulfilling as attacking Microsoft."
The Save Microsoft Now! Campaign has a total of two members, but it is expected to grow in size. "When geeks come to realize what life in a post-Microsoft world will be like, they'll have no choice but to join our campaign and demand that the Supreme Court overturn the Microsoft breakup," said mother Edna Graustein.
Of course, the chances that this campaign will have an impact are small. Rob admits this reality, and says, "If Microsoft is ever broken up, I recommend that the geek community pool their resources to support another fledgling empire that we can then bash in the future. America Online looks like a prime choice for evil-empire-to-be. And let's not forget about VA Linux! They've got the News For Nerds market all sowed up."
Most observers agree that Mr. Graustein's brain has gone 404. "This guy is nuts! Support Microsoft? I can't believe I'm hearing this. Even fake news sites couldn't make up this kind of insanity."
[John Elfrink contributed to this report.]