Linux Conspirators Build Vast Orbital Internet Array

Fake News written by Matthew "I have a dotspace domain name" Adair on Monday, June 19, 2000

from the welcome-to-the-machine dept.

OUTER SPACE -- Plug In, Beam Out(tm). At least that's what you can do by dialing in to the Union of Penguinitic GNUist Republics' new satellite constellation orbiting the Earth. Last week the battleship G.S.S. Linusgrad deployed a vast fleet of 256 miniature satellites at 26,000 miles above the Earth, thus providing planetwide Internet coverage. These mini-satellites act as routers for GNU-Net, a service that connects the various dimensions dominated by the UPGR. It's now possible to download a copy of Red Hat Linux in under 1.2 seconds via GNU-Net, which should help Linux advocacy immensely.

The sudden surge in bandwidth has overwhelmed earth-bound ISPs, which are rather upset. AOL (America's Only Line), for instance, has already pleaded with the Department of Justice to launch an anti-trust investigation of the UPGR's Internet venture. Steve Case announced in a press conference, "The UPGR is building a monopoly over Internet access! Soon they will absorb and assimilate everyone and force all of Earth to use its Internet access! We must stop them now, or we will see a future where information is controlled by one company." Upon hearing this, the Linusgrad crew burst into raucous laughter. "That's the best line I've ever heard in this dimension," said the ship's captain.

Certainly GNU-Net's policy against access by Windows computers has infuriated Microsoft Chief Monopoly Architect Bill Gates. He (or actually a PR flak, but it doesn't matter) wrote in a press release today, "If an organization as big as the UPGR is willing to provide Linux-only Internet access, then that means that we have competition. Which means we don't have a monopoly! We're going to win on appeal! I just hope the Appeals Court justices are paying attention."

An emergency meeting of the "Opposing Threats To Our Campaign Contributors" Congressional committee was held earlier today. Senator Fatcatte (R-Washington) bellowed, "The UPGR has surrounded our planet in its web of propaganda. They seek to destroy a whole series of large businesses by monopolizing Internet access. Many of these same companies are our largest campaign contributions! We must put a stop to this conspiracy concocted by the Helsinkian Underground!"

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