Microsoft Acquires Open Source

Fake News written by Bernhard Rosenkraenzer on Thursday, August 3, 2000

from the embrace-smother-and-profit dept.

REDMOND, WA -- Last year Microsoft published an updated End-User License Agreement known as the Microsoft GPL, or Grossly Private License. Under the GPL, Microsoft disclaimed all responsibility for flaws in their software since their corporate goal isn't to produce stable, reliable software, but to make money. Earlier today Microsoft quietly released an updated version 3 of this license.

The wording of this license is virtually identical to previous versions, but it is printed on nicer paper that contains a holographic image of Bill Gates and the phrase "Freedom To Innovate". Analysts were quick to point out that the lack of substance in this upgrade is eerily similar to the lack of substance in the upcoming Windows Millennium upgrade (or, for that matter, Windows 98 and its Second Edition). "This is just common Microsoft practice," said one observer.

While investigating this new GPL version, Our Vast Spy Network(tm) uncovered the fact that many Microsoft employees have been downloading large numbers of GPLed Linux applications.

Our lawyer, Noah Morals, confronted Microsoft's legal department with this finding, to which they replied:

Dear Valued Customer #19,344,643 (Mr. Noah Morals),

It is indeed true that the packages we are using in our new product, Microsoft Windows RUNT (Really Universal New Technology), such as the Linux kernel, are accompanied by a copy of the GNU GPL. However, these packages clearly state that they are intended to be distributed under the "GPL version 2 or later".

Since there is no such thing as a later GNU GPL, we have every right to assume this means the authors want to dual-license their code under the GNU GPL version 2 and the Microsoft GPL version 3. Clearly this is a logical assumption, as only Communistic freaks would lock up their software under the draconian restrictions of the GNU GPL 2.

As a result, we are not legally required to release the source code to any part of Microsoft Windows RUNT or any other innovative Microsoft solution containing GPL code that we have stolen... er, downloaded. So there.

Christopher A. Pitalist
Chairman, Microsoft Legal Department

10934 of 13201
Assistant, Microsoft Legal Department

Richard Stallman, author of the original GNU GPL, was not available for an official comment, however, an informant notified the Vast Spy Network(tm) that he overheard RMS shouting, "Dammit, that's Microsoft GNU/Windows RUNT!" Apparently this outburst was audible within a ten mile radius of RMS's living quarters in Boston, MA.

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