Humorix Intercepts GNUist Memo

Fake News written by Comrade Penguin on Saturday, August 5, 2000

from the all-hell-is-breaking-loose dept.

Editor's Note: Regular Humorix readers (now there's an oxymoron) have probably been following the unfolding interdimensional GNUist plot, no doubt asking themselves, "Just what the heck is this all about? And how is this GNUist saga supposed to fit into the Humorixia storyline? Can't these idiots keep track of their own plot threads and in-jokes?"

Well, we can't answer those questions at this time because, we... um, well we haven't made up the answers yet. For now, the GNUist storyline continues with this memo that our Vast Spy Network(tm) intercepted earlier today.

Memo from the Desk of
the Benevolent Dictator
of the
Union of Penguinitic GNUist Republics (UPGR)
800 Alan Cox Way, Linusgrad, UPGR

Our darkest days are upon us.

Our spies have just uncovered a massive plot against us. Our enemies plan to arrest key members of the GNUist Party and lock them away for life for conspiring against the government. Without these members, I fear we are doomed.

The success of Open Source' Manifest Destiny relies on our ability to obliterate major closed source players in this dimension. We need Linus... we need Cox... we need ESR, RMS, Young, Ewing, Malda, etc. Heck, we even need losers like Baughn. We are depending on these people to propogate OSS and ensure that success of the GNUist Revolution worldwide.

However, powerful forces continue to push for closed source software. These range from tech pundits... [cough!] Berst [cough!]... to US Congressmen... [cough!] Fattecat [cough!]. The Powers That Be are in the process of shutting down something called "Napster", some kind of peer-to-peer network. Obviously these enemies have the judicial power to cripple wide-area communications such as our own GNU-Net.

We fear that some of our agents have already been captured. Mr. Adair has probably already been imprisoned for attempted jaywalking, or some other pretense, and we worry that RMS could be imprisoned for his politically incorrect beliefs.

We must take up arms now or face defeat. His Universal Benevolence, Linus Torvalds XII (probably version 582958190), sent us a message via GNU-Net from his Home Dimension 1.0, saying that he is not happy that we are losing this battle against some puny corporation on some backwater planet in an obscure dimension. As he said, "I swear by the Great Penguin, those earthlings don't even have intersteller travel yet! They should be easy to beat..."

I'm sorry, my emotions are getting to me. I must finish this e-memo soon, as I am preparing to depart for Linusgrad shortly. I will continue to advise from there.

We must continue the fight. We can not lose to greed.

Tuxedo L. Penguin, Benevolent Dictator

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