Please Bow For The "King Of The Internet"

Fake News written by James Baughn on Thursday, August 24, 2000

from the a-royal-pain dept.

At a press conference held at Sony World Headquarters, Steve Heckler declared himself in full and total control of the Internet. While aides put a crown on his head, he said, "I will firewall Napster at the source -- I will block it at the cable company, I will block it at the phone company, I will block it at the ISP. Nobody will use Napster ever again. Why? Because large corporations like Sony control the Net. And I'm now the King Of The Internet."

As his first official act since assuming the crown as the Net.King, Mr. Heckler issued a royal order demanding that all computers running Napster would be firewalled from the rest of the Internet. In addition, the domain names and IP numbers for all boxes housing the DeCSS code, anti-Sony websites, or Linux humor sites would be immediately revoked.

Jack Valenti, MPAA President, has been appointed by Heckler as the new "Minister Of Information" and "Prince Of Copyright Protection". Heckler said, "I give Mr. Valenti full and complete power to do anything necessary to protect the intellectual property of large corporations so as to help feed starving musicians and movie producers who are being deprived by freeloading Napster and DVD pirates."

"Piracy is futile," Prince Valenti snarled. "Naspter users will be assimilated and re-educated."

Heckler and Valenti might now claim royal power, but nobody has followed their orders yet. After a Sony lackey delivered the royal edict to Steve Case, head of America's Only Line (AOL), he laughed for five minutes straight. "Who does this Heckler guy think he is? I'm the Lord of the Internet! I control a huge percentage of all Internet access... how much does Sony control? Huh? I'm the one who should be in charge."

Techs at other Internet Service Providers were all equally unimpressed by Heckler's rise to power. "What is this PHB going to do if we don't comply, huh?" said one system administrator at a national ISP. "Patrol the entire Internet... er, SonyNet... with Sony Stormtroopers and then send all non-compliers to the Sony Dungeon? If Heckler is the Net.King, then I'm the Grand Poobah Of Cluesticks. My first duty as Poobah will be deliver a whole truckload of cluesticks to this Heckler idiot and any other corporate executive who thinks that the entire Universe revolves around them."

Several other geeks attempted to claim royal titles. While donning a makeshift crown made out of paper, one Dothead said, "I am now the Crown Prince Of Boycotts. We will boycott Sony at the source -- we will block it at the mall, we will block it at the cash register, we will block it at the music store."

Jon Splatz, Humorixia Benevolent Dictator, was unavailable for comment at press time.

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