Throwing Windows Out The Window

Fake News written by James Baughn on Monday, September 11, 2000

from the could-you-get-fired-for-choosing-microsoft? dept.

WASHINGTON -- The Federal Bureau Of Missing Socks has banned the use of Microsoft Windows and Office on all employee computers. But don't get too excited; they aren't going to be replacing them with Linux. Instead, this government agency has decided to go back to using abucusses, slide rules, and manual typewriters.

The banishment of Microsoft software stems from the agency's new policy against computer games. Microsoft Office, which contains several games in the form of Easter Eggs, is now verboten on all agency computers. "Flight simulators, pinball games, magic eight balls... they all violate our policy," said the sub-adjunct administrator second-class, Mrs. Laverne Biehle. "So we can't use Office."

Windows is forbidden for the same reason. "We've had way too many employees wasting time playing Solitaire," said Biehle. "Unfortunately, Solitaire is an integral part of Windows -- Microsoft executives said so during the anti-trust trial. If Solitaire is removed, the operating system won't function properly. Therefore, we have no choice but to banish all Windows computers."

The agency could switch to Linux or another system, but such a move would make too much sense. The Bureau's Assistant Technology Consultant, Mr. Reginald "Red" Taype, explained, "We don't want to use anything that's unsupported, so we're going to bring in old abucusses, slide rules, adding machines, and manual typewriters that we found sitting in the sub-basement under three inches of dust and cobwebs."

"Have you ever seen an abucus crash?" he asked. "Have you ever seen anybody have fun with a slide rule? Do adding machines contain undocumented easter eggs? No! That's why we're ditching our PCs."

The agency's move also has another benefit: they no longer need to employ a "Bluescreen Boy". The security cameras in the agency's ten-story building were all pointed at the monitors of each computer. If a PC crashed and displayed a bluescreen, the security cameras picked it up and the B.B. was dispatched to manually reboot that computer. It was a horrible job, but the B.B. did get a nice exercise workout each day.

The former B.B. is now flipping burgers at's gourmet kitchen.

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