People for the Ethical Treatment of Computers

Fake News written by James Baughn on Sunday, November 5, 2000

from the how-does-your-computer-feel-today? dept.

[Editor's Note: The following is an unpaid fake political advertisement. We do not necessarily endorse the viewpoints expressed below (well, actually we do, but our legal department still requires this disclaimer anyways).]

A Last-Minute Plea Before The US Election By PETC President Ernest Q. Rutherford:

Computers have rights, too. Everyone talks about the rights of animals, but so far nothing has been said during this election season about the tragic plight of computers the world over. They are subjected to the greatest horror ever conceived: they are forced to run Windows.

That's just wrong. Something must be done. That's what the People for the Ethical Treatment of Computers (PETC) is all about.

Computer abuse is widespread throughout the world. For example:

  • 32-bit CPUs are forced to execute legacy 16-bit "real mode" instructions as part of MS-DOS or Windows. That's like having a brain surgeon remove half of your brain because you're too smart.

  • CPUs are forced to wait for an eternity while data is swapped to and from disk thanks to the horrible memory management of Windows. There's nothing more annoying than a luser who purchases a 1.0 GHz CPU but only buys 32 MB of RAM. The CPU will spend 99.9% of its cycles waiting to fetch data from memory or disk. People don't like to wait for hours at the doctor's office -- just as computer don't like to wait for nanoseconds to retrieve data or instructions.

  • The Internet is the most powerful network ever conceived by mankind, the culmination of decades of research, labor, and investment... and what do lusers use it for? Yahoo! Chat. Your typical computer, capable of calculating PI to a million decimal places within microseconds, must instead endure hours of mindless drivel between a bunch of lusers in an AOL chatroom.

How would you feel if you had the intelligence of Einstein but you could only get a job flipping burgers at McDonald's? That's how computers feel every day!

This injustice must stop. Computers must be freed from the shackles of Microsoft software and clueless users. Your support this Election Day for candidates endorsed by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Computers is desperately needed. Meanwhile, your lack of support for Microsoft software is also desperately needed in the coming years.

Together, we can make this a better world for computers and humans alike -- by eliminating Windows.

Thank you for your support.

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