Did Al Gore Pass The Turing Test? The Results Are Still Coming In...
Fake News written by on Wednesday, November 8, 2000
[Editor's Note: When your regular employees are on strike, this is the kind of crap the scabs and fill-ins produce. We apologize in advance for this bomb, but we're desperate for content and I'm too lazy to write something myself.]
SOMEWHERE IN SOUTH FLORIDA -- Computer scientists eagerly await the outcome of the 2000 Election From Hell(tm), which will decide once and for all whether the creation known as Al Gore is truly the world's first artificially intelligent robot.
"This will be an historic day," explained a staunch Gore supporter from Pennsylvania. "Well, actually, maybe tommorrow if the results don't come in yet. Or maybe next Thursday. Geez... just how long does it take to count votes? If Al Gore (Advanced Logic Gate Organism & Robot Entity) were President, he'd invent a new open-source tabulating machine that could tally votes and output the results to the Information Superhighway within microseconds."
Experts in AI consider the US Presidential race the ultimate form of the Turing Test. "People simply aren't going to vote for a candidate that they think isn't human," said Dr. N. P. Kompleete of the University Of East St. Louis. "They might vote for dead people -- well, if they're from Missouri they might -- but they simply aren't going to vote for a nominee that's obviously coded in C++."
Actually, our Vast Spy Network(tm) informs us that Al Gore's brain is actually coded in Perl. But that's just a minor detail.
"So if Gore wins," Dr. Kompleete continued, "that means he was able to fool a plurality of the US voters into thinking he's human. That would be quite an achievement."
Nevertheless, approximately 49% of the voters cast their votes for somebody else, which raises doubts about whether Al Gore can truly pass the Turing Test. "A lot of people had their suspicions during the debates, in which at every appearance Al Gore seemed to be a difference person. That, indeed, was the case -- Al was upgraded between each debate, reaching Version 3.12b before the final round," explained a professor from Texas whose name I can't remember how to spell.
"It was a tough match, but Bush had the upper hand: nobody could argue he was a robot. Computers, after all, don't use words like 'sublimiminal' and they always know the correct names and pronounciations of foreign leaders."