"First Post!" Wins Presidential Election in Massive Write-In Campaign
Fake News written by on Wednesday, November 8, 2000
In one of the tightest presidential elections ever in American history, a last-minute write-in campaign tipped the scales for both Al Gore and George W. Bush in ways no one could have ever dreamed of in their worst nightmares. It began when CmdrTaco, who was running for a Senate seat representing Puerto Rico, made the plea to the Slashdot community to "go out and vote dammit!" And vote the Slashdot community did.
The latest figures show Al Gore with 22% of the popular vote, with Bush slightly trailing with 6% (figures computed by the geniuses at CNN and NBC who gave us the accurate projections for the state of Florida on Tuesday night). In the lead, however, was the write-in campaign "First Post!" who stunned the world by becoming the 43rd President-Elect of the United States.
Al Gore said in his concession speech, "You know, I took the initiative in creating the First Post! First Post! deserves the office at the American White House in Washington DC, and I hope that the next four years are the best years the United States of America has ever seen. Please shoot me now."
George "Double-ya Gum" Bush, upon hearing the unexpected development, exclaimed excitedly, "Hey! That's who I voted for! Woohoo!"
Bernard Shaw, correspondant at CNN, reported the news at approximately 4:00PM Thurday afternoon, easing minutes of unbearable tension as Americans everywhere were momentarily distracted from not voting by the nice-looking man on the moving-picture screen. "First Post! is officially the President-Elect of the United States. So help us God." Shaw then stripped naked and started dancing around in circles flapping his arms wildly while bonking his head on nearby pedestrians. Larry King, who was off-stage observing events, commented drily, "I hate it when he does that. That's my dance he's doing there!"
First Post! was followed in the polls by Hot Grits, Linux Rules!, Windows Sux!, and the occasional ASCII image of someone's naughty bits that hadn't gotten moderated down yet.
CmdrTaco was not pleased (surprisingly enough). "Oh great, now people will start moderating those damn First Posts up because they'll think it's their patriotic duty or something. Oh wait they already do that."