No, Virginia, There Isn't A Linus Torvalds

Fake News written by James Baughn on Friday, December 22, 2000

from the but-bill-gates-is-the-grinch dept.

[Editor's Note: Our Vast Spy Network(tm) intercepted a copy of the next issue of "Microsoft Magazine", which contains this disturbing letter to the editor.]

Dear Microsoft Magazine --

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Linus Torvalds. Papa says, "If you see it in Microsoft Magazine, it's so." Please tell me the truth, is there a Linus Torvalds?

Signed, Virginia Higganbotham

Microsoft PR Handler #347 responds:

Virginia, your little friends are right. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. And rightfully so.

It's all a conspiracy.

Let's think about this for a minute. We're supposed to believe that one jolly old elf from near the Arctic Circle (Finland) is responsible for delivering toys (an operating system) for good children (and adults) throughout the world.

Yeah, right.

How can one person do all of that? Look at Apple -- they can hire as many of the best people that money can buy -- and yet they still can't produce a decent, stable operating system on their own.

Now, you might ask, what about helpers? Surely Linus isn't the only one that codes, debugs, mananges, distributes, designs, plans, and implements?

Oh, come on. If single-handedly producing your own operating system is hard, then single-handedly managing a whole herd of independent developers to produce your own operating system would be just as hard!

It's all a conspiracy.

"Linus" is just a figure-head. In reality, there's nearly 512 Linuses running around, all clones of the original. It's all part of the Helsinkian Undergound, a byzantine maze of elaborate conspiracies-within-conspiracies designed to infect their booby-trapped operating system throughout the world.

The purpose? Well, duh. Don't you watch movies and TV? You should know -- every conspiracy has one and only one purpose: world domination.

Just ask Senator Fattecat (R-Washington). He's been campaigning against the Finnish Conspiracy for the past year, pointing out back doors in the so-called "Linux" operating system that could be used to conquer the US.

Unfortunately, Fattecat was not re-elected. I have it on good authority that his opponent is a Finnish operative.

But it doesn't matter. The truth shall be revealed, and the evil conspirators will be expunged. Linus does not exist -- but an evil army of cloned Linuses bent on conquest really do exist.

So, little Virginia, please remember to boycott Linux, and only use Microsoft Windows. It's the American way.

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