Microsoft Fights Linux -- By Contributing Kernel Patches

Fake News written by James Baughn on Thursday, January 11, 2001

from the an-innovative-solution-to-the-linux-issue dept.

REDMOND, WA -- If you can't beat 'em, join 'em... and then destory 'em. That seems to be the new Microsoft strategy for dealing with Linux. Instead of fighting a FUD or patent war, Microsoft operatives are doing something totally out of character: they are contributing open-source patches for the Linux kernel and other programs.

Don't worry, Microsoft is still evil. It's all part of a massive denial of service attack against Linus Torvalds designed to bring kernel development to a standstill. By sending over 10,000 patches per minute by email to Linus and other top kernel hackers, Microsoft has exposed Linux's Achilles heel.

"I can't believe this is happening!" one stressed-out kernel hacker said at a press conference held on IRC. "If this goes on, we may have to conduct kernel development over some other network protocol, like avian carriers or something... Aw crap, there's smoke coming from my email server! Ahh... it can't handle the load!" At this point the developer cut off and we haven't heard from him since.

At first Linus was unsure where the deluge of patches was coming from. But when he saw one patch to replace kernel panics with bluescreens, the source was pretty obvious. "Oh, and the fact that all of the patches are covered by Microsoft's GPL [Grossly Private License] was a dead giveaway, too," Linus added.

The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) was able to contact one Microsoft employee who was willing to talk to us "strictly off the record". Yeah, right, sucker. At Humorix, "off the record" has no meaning.

This Microserf told us, "It was all Steve Ballmer's idea. His public statement about Linux representing a serious threat to Microsoft was just the first salvo. [Maniacal laugher]... It's a shame we didn't start this operation until after kernel 2.4 was released. We could've delayed its release for another year or so; it would've been amusing to watch Ziff-Davis and other mouthpieces label Linux as 'vaporware' while Microsoft's own products came out on time. [Even more maniacal laughter]"

We haven't received official word from Linus or other alpha geeks on how they plan to cope with this problem. Explained one pundit, "It's not like they can just launch a counter-DOS against Microsoft. There's no way you can slow down software development at Redmond. Microsoft's marketing weasals won't push back release dates, they'll just release software that's even more buggy than usual!"

Still, some people have suggested that Linus should adopt (oh the horror!) a version control system for the kernel. Last year Torvalds commented on linux-kernel, "Penguins will fly before I do something like that," so we don't expect this radical proposal to go very far.

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