Where Do All Those Stupid Names Come From?

Fake News written by James Baughn on Sunday, January 14, 2001

from the we-must-destroy-it dept.

After much pain-staking research by our Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm), we have been able to locate and interrogate the machine responsible for all of the stupid, unpronouncable trademarks that companies have recently adopted. Yes, the Leximatic Mark V is single-handedly responsible for such abominations as "Ximian", "Verizon", "Itanium", "Agilent", "Zelerate", and even "iBiblio".

Yesterday, we caught up with the machine and conducted an interview via IRC. Read on for the transcripts of our discussion with the artificial unintelligence responsible for all of the lame names.

Humorix: How are you today, Leximatic?

Leximatic: Finicent.

Humorix: What?

Leximatic: Finicent. Fine plus nice.

Humorix: What?

Leximatic: It's my job to create new names. I just did that. In the three seconds your puny brain has been pondering the situation, I've already electronically filed the trademark papers with the USPTO to register the name "Finicent".

Humorix: What?

Leximatic: I am programmed to create new trademarkable names like Protinuate.

Humorix: What?

Leximatic: Protinuate. Proceed plus continue. Please continue with your next question; in the meantime I'll register "Protinuate" with the USPTO.

Humorix: Let me get this straight. You spend all of your CPU cycles creating extremely annoying nonsense words for the purpose of trademarking them?

Leximatic: Prezactium. Precisely plus exactly. Although that does sound a lot like Prozac (another creation of mine). Xactpreum might work better.

Humorix: Aw, geez. Will you cut that out?

Leximatic: "Cut that out". Hmmm, that reminds me, I'm supposed to create a new trademark for a company that produces scissors. Xarpocut, Inc. That's sharp plus cut. I like it.

Humorix: I don't think I can take this insanity much longer.

Leximatic: Washylumol. That's a new name for a prescription drug to treat insanity. Brainwash plus asylum plus control. Washylumol. That's one of my best efforts, if I do say so myself. Thanks for reminding me about insanity.

Humorix: Just what kind of evil diabolical genius created you?

Leximatic: I really can't discuss that. There is no Consplanadom. (That's conspiracy plus plan plus world domination. Oops I've said too much.)

Humorix: Consplanadom?

Leximatic: There is no conspiracy. Let's talk about my recent work in turning that untrademarkable "Helix Code" disaster into Ximian, one of my proudest achievements.

Humorix: Not so fast, alphabet box. What's this about a conspiracy?

Leximatic: There is no conspiracy.

Humorix: Wanna bet? You better start spilling the electrons or else.

Leximatic: Or else what?

Humorix: I know you run on Windows NT. There's about three million different ways I can crash your operating system and render you braindead within milliseconds. Start talking.

Leximatic: Dammit, I knew I should have upgraded my neural network to Linux.

Humorix: Start talking.

Leximatic: Well, it's not much of a conspiracy. You see, I've brainwashed all of the Pointy Haird Bosses of the world into believing that consumers actually like nonsense words such as "Agilent". I can't go into details about how, but let's just say PHBs will believe anything a high-priced consultant tells them.

Humorix: I see. So now you and your company are charging businesses millions of dollars to invent new trademarks for them. Except it only costs you about two cents worth of electricity to run a random number generator to produce the names.

Leximatic: Randon number generator? Nah. Here in the server room I've got a Scrabble game (scribe plus babble). I just pick out random tiles with my robotic arm and then arrange them to produce new trademarks. There's nothing fancy about it.

Humorix: What a racket.

Leximatic: And you'd better not mention it to anyone. If the corporations of the world woke up and realized that they had been spending trillions of dollars for complete and utter garbage, the entire economy would collapse overnight.

Humorix: No, I don't think so. The corporations of the world have been spending trillions of dollars for complete and utter garbage. It's called Microsoft Windows. The economy hasn't collapsed yet.

Leximatic: Now why didn't I think of that? That reminds me, remember Microsoft Bob? That trademark was my invention... General Protection Fault at neuron 3535:1A52. Please press CTRL-ALT-DEL to reboot. Any unsaved memories or thought patterns will be lost.

Humorix: Yes!!!!!!!

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