Microsoft Website Crashes, World Does Not Come To An End

Fake News written by James Baughn on Saturday, January 27, 2001

from the more-bad-news-for-bill dept.

REDMOND, WA -- In a crushing blow to Bill Gates' ego, world civilization did not collapse when the Microsoft website was offline for an extended period last week.

During the anti-trust trial, Microsoft's lawyers repeatedly warned that if the company was broken up or dealt any other penalty (no matter how trivial), it would not only cost the tech industry billions of dollars, but it could decimate the entire world economy and even bring about the start of World War III. At the risk of sounding like a biased, slanted, overzealous journalist, let me just say: Yeah, right!

The stunning realization that the world does not revolve around Redmond (yet) has plunged many Microsoft executives into shock. "But microsoft.com is the single most important website in the world! And Microsoft is the single most important company in the Universe! This can't be happening! Why isn't civilization teetering on the edge right now?" said one depressed President Of Executive Vice.

Nevertheless, Microsoft's PR spinmeisters have pulled consecutive all-nighters to put the right spin on this public relations nightmare. "The Microsoft outage was a good thing," chirpped one spokesman who hasn't slept in 53 hours. "Contrary to those Linux zealots, businesses don't need 99.9% uptimes for their websites. Our site was offline for days at a time, and it had no negative consequences for this company or the industry. So what's so great about stability? Windows 2000 delivers a 75% uptime guarantee -- and that's more than enough for almost any business."

Another PR flack added, "Hey, if we didn't have to devote so many resources to fight off malicious attacks by the Department of Injustice, we could've hired more competent network admins to prevent the kind of problems that we saw this week. The outage was all Janet Reno's fault!"

What caused the outage in the first place? At first we here at Humorix were content to chalk it up to yet another "known issue" in Windows, but now we're not so sure. Our Vast Spy Network(tm) has uncovered some preliminary evidence that it may have been perpetrated by... well, we won't say until we know more. Stay tuned for all of the latest fake news as we make it up.

Rate this story

No votes cast

Share