Geek Temptation Island

Fake News written by James Baughn on Sunday, January 28, 2001

from the more-humorixia-propaganda dept.

Bryant Dumbbell: Hello everyone, and welcome to Humorixia, the site of Geek Temptation Island 1.0, that glorious ASCII reality show pitting geek against geek, nerd against nerd, unemployed dotcommer against unemployed dotcommer. I'm Bryant Dumbbell...

John Spladden: And I'm John Spladden. While all the sports-crazed jocks of the world are watching the Neanderthal Super Bowl, we here at G.S.P.N. (Geek SPorts Network) will be covering the live temptation-by-temptation action from here in a remote corner of the island nation of Humorixia.

Dumbbell: That's right, John. Unfortunately, the Annual Nerdbowl, which we featured at this time last year, was canceled because no Linux or dotcom company could afford to field their own team anymore. Instead, we're bringing you Geek Temptation Island, in which Linux geeks are tempted by the Dark Side -- computers running Windows and AOL.

Spladden: Will the contestants be able to face the challenge, or will they succumb to the mind-numbing world of bluescreens, smileys, and dancing paper clips just so they can satisfy their desire to surf the Internet? Only time will tell.

Dumbbell: I can't wait to see what happens... but only after this brief word from our sponsors.

Announcer: Are you sick and tired of dull coffees and colas that contain only a meager fraction of the caffeine that geeks need every hour to enter Deep Hack Mode? We here at EyeOpener(tm) have the solution. With EyeOpener(tm) Brand Beverages, you'll get 100,000 percent the daily recommended dosage of caffeine. Don't waste your time with flavored water -- drink pure caffeine today!

Spladden: Alright, all sixteen players are taking the field...

Dumbbell: And I think we're ready to begin. His Benevolent Dictatorship Jon Splatz will now lead the group in the national anthem of Humorixia, "Kill All The Lawyers".

I got this bark letter the other day,
"Stop using our trademark or you will pay".

I said "Ha" and threw it in the trash,
Oh but then those lawyers got very rash,

Lawsuits, subpoenas, the accusations came,
All their attacks were truly lame,

They said, "You've committed quite a sin!"
"You're going to get five to ten!"

Kill all the lawyers!
Oh, kill all the lawyers!
Let's "kill -9 lawyers" now!

Patents, copyrights, and trademarks,
Those evil lawyers are worse than sharks.

We can't escape their vice-like grip,
We're slaves to their class-action whip,

We all must fight this evil abomination,
Join together and strive for world domination!

Tell those bloodsucking ticks, "See ya!"
And move on over to Humor-ix-ia!

Kill all the lawyers!
Oh, kill all the lawyers!
Let's "kill -9 lawyers" now!
Let's "kill -9 lawyers" now!

Die, die ambulance chasing leeches,
We will defeat you on the beaches!

Humorixia -- where lawyers are forbidden,
And individual freedoms are a given!

Kill all the lawyers!
Oh... kill... all... the... lawyers... in sight!

Humorixia! There is no conspiracy!

Dumbbell: Here we go... and they're off!

Spladden: Well, maybe not. I don't see too much activity down on the field. Everybody is lying down in the tropical sun trying to get a tan.

Dumbbell: Geeks tanning themselves? That won't last long. With their pasty skin, they might make it four, maybe five minutes before a sunburn sets in.

Spladden: While the sun's UV rays begin to microwave the skin of our contestants, let's go over the rules for Geek Temptation Island.

Dumbbell: Good idea, John. We picked sixteen Linux geeks who were recently laid off from dotcom failures, and brought them here to the sovereign geek paradise of Humorixia. They are now sequestered in a remote part of the Humorixian island known as the Minasra Desert (Minasra Is Not A Self-Referential Acronym).

Spladden: These plucky contestants must now survive for three hours in a wasteland consisting only of desert, rocks, and worthless computers running Windows 98 and AOL Internet. Will these hard-core Linux dotheads be able to resist the temptation to use the abomination known as Windows? Will they resist the temptation to run away from Minasra and head for Humorixia's capital city of Root, which has more Linux computers per square mile than any other city in the world?

Dumbbell: We're going to find out soon enough. Well, it might take an hour or two before they start to crack.

Spladden: I'm seeing some activity on the field, Bryant. It looks like Contestant 6 is starting to shake wildly.

Dumbbell: Oh man, that's not good. We're only 5.4 minutes into this thing and he's already heading for a temptation breakdown.

Spladden: Look, he's saying something. Let's turn on the spy microphones and listen in...

Contestant: I can't take this much longer! Must... have... Internet... access... Must visit... Slashdot... must check email... must download... por...nography! I wasn't... prepared... for... this level... of... temptation!

Dumbbell: It's all over for this player.

Spladden: That's right, he's picked up a nearby Windows laptop and he's already logging in to AOL... Oops, there's a bluescreen.

Dumbbell: Man, this geek didn't even have the willpower to hold out for five whole minutes before succumbing to the siren call of Microsoft. What a pathetic smeghead!

[Down on the field, a noise can be heard from the laptop: "You've Got Spam!"]

Spladden: Here come the doctors in white labcoats to take him away from here. He should receive expert care at the hospital in Root. One down, fifteen to go.

Dumbbell: But before we see more riveting temptation action, let's throw some temptation at you, the home reader, with this word from our sponsor...

Announcer: This Humorix fake news article is brought to you by... the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm)! We know where you live, we know how many porn sites you visited last week, and we know what your T-shirt size is. Speaking of T-shirts... we have a whole warehouse filled with crappy Humorix shirts and mousepads that we need to get rid of to make room for the Vast Spy Network(tm)'s new Command Center. So order some today!

Spladden: And we're back.

Dumbbell: Do you see what I'm seeing?

Spladden: Holy penguin! This is simply amazing.

Dumbbell: I can't believe this is happening!

Spladden: What a spectacular effort. It's a shame this might violate the rules.

Dumbbell: We'll have to confer with the judges on that. Oh! I suppose we should explain to the audience what's going on.

Spladden: Contestant Number 3 has apparently smuggled in a satellite phone and a whistle. He's simulating the connection noises for a dial-up Internet connection... and it looks like he's successful!

Dumbbell: I'm a little rusty on my PPP, John, but I think he's whistling the noise for a port 80 HTTP request from slashdot.org. Truly amazing.

Spladden: ...But apparently against the rules. There's a flag on the play... a referee is now on the field and he's yelling "Exception! Exception!"

Dumbbell: So is it against the rules to smuggle in electronics?

Spladden: No, I don't think that's it. Here's the referee...

Referee: Player Number 3 is using a satellite phone produced by MS-Iridium... This phone contains an embedded version of Windows CE... therefore the contestant has accidentally succumbed to the temptation of Windows and must therefore be disqualified.

Dumbbell: Oops, that's gotta hurt. You gotta hate it when that happens.

Spladden: Is there an industry that Microsoft hasn't already dominated?

Dumbbell: Well, vacuum cleaners, of course. It's a shame, really, as Microsoft's products always suck.

Spladden: Aw, geez, it's not like I haven't already heard that joke 1e6 times.

Dumbbell: Okay, after these messages we'll return to the second half of Geek Temptation Island 1.0.

Announcer: Are you sick of jocks and socialites telling you to "Get a life!" It's time to turn the tables on these idiots with O'Reilly & Associates new book, "Witty Comebacks In A Nutshell". With this 512-page tome, you'll have the perfect reply for any hostile situation that will make adolescent, bullying jocks look like... adolescent, bullying jocks. Take a break from hacking Perl, and start hacking your enemies!

[Two hours later...]

Spladden: We're in the home stretch now, folks. All but two contestants have given in to the Microsoft Empire.

Dumbbell: That's right, John. This is where stamina, endurance, and extreme bladder control are the keys to victory.

Spladden: The producers of the show, hoping to speed things up, have saturated the two remaining contestants with even more temptations. Windows computers are scattered everywhere, loud speakers are playing various Microsoft jingles, and "Where do you want to go today?" banners have been posted all over the place.

Dumbbell: Indeed, we're definitely seeing maximum temptation levels here in the final stage of the game. This has got to be killing the contestants.

Spladden: I don't see how any geek can survive under these extreme conditions. It's truly mind-boggling.

Dumbbell: What's that?!? One of the contestants is turning on a Windows computer. Is this the end? Will we soon learn the identity of the World's Least Tempted Geek?

Spladden: Err... something odd is going on. Instead of booting into Windows, the contestant is typing in something... a long string of ASCII text... a long string... a very loooooooooooooooooong string...

Dumbbell: What's he doing?

Spladden: By the name of the Holy Penguin, he's typing in the Linux kernel source code! I'm stunned.

Dumbbell: Now this is something to see. All of those losers watching the Super Bowl are missing out on what could easily be the most memorable event in sports history! Our great-great-grandchildren will be talking about this one!

Spladden: Look at him! He apparently has the entire kernel source code memorized, and he's typing it in at lightning speed... easily 500 bytes per minute.

Dumbbell: Forget about memorizing PI, the next big fad might be memorizing Linux.

Spladden: Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable.

Dumbbell: Uh, I think you might be right, John, this is unbelievable. I'm looking at the instant replay, and... he's not typing in the Linux source code. He's not typing anything.

Spladden: Oh, I see what you mean... it's pure line noise. He's typing in garbage. It's just a random stream of ASCII characters...

Dumbbell: Which can only mean one thing: it's Perl code!

Spladden: Nah, I think this poor fellow has reached the outer limits of his sanity. He's cracked. Where are those labcoat-wearing doctors when you need them?

Dumbbell: Here they come. It looks like the field has been narrowed down to one geek survivor.

Spladden: Yes, Contestant Number 14 is the winner of the first Geek Temptation Island. But he's in pretty bad shape, Bryant.

Dumbbell: Yep, I have a feeling he won't be back next year.

Spladden: I have a feeling none of us will. This whole thing is pretty stupid.

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