New Linux for Corporations

Fake News written by Geoff Lane on Tuesday, February 6, 2001

from the well-at-least-it's-not-mslinux dept.

In an attempt to increase the use of Linux within Big Evil Companies corporations, I am pleased to announce a new service that will no doubt be very appealing to the kind of people who like this kind of thing.

As of next Thursday, ClosedOpenSource.com, will be open for business but only with those companies who's Dun & Bradstreet credit rating is suitably impressive of course.

What is ClosedOpenSource.com? Well, over the course of several months we've noticed through extensive monitoring of information sources (well actually, we accessed Google a couple of times) that one of the major obstacles that prevents the widespread adoption of Linux in the enterprise is... well, its open nature. The fear is that the availability of the source to the operating system in some manner enables hackers to more easily access sensitive services provided by the larger, more self-important responsible companies.

It is the intention of ClosedOpenSource.com to provide the kind of closed source operating system services that companies who normally deal with Microsoft have come to know and enjoy. Initially, the following services are offered:

  1. A closed source version of Linux, ClosedLinuxTM. This will be identical to Linux from any other source with the following exceptions a) Some or all of it will be different, b) there may or may not be any security problems within the operating system, c) it may or may not make use of network protocols that are ever so slightly different to those used by everybody else, d) it may or may not be backwards or forwards compatible with any other version of ClosedLinuxTM that we may offer in the future.

    ClosedLinuxTM will be available at a massive discount to selected, valued customers.

  2. Non-disclosure Agreements (NDAs). We at ClosedOpenSource.com realize that it is important for the modern business man or woman to think that they know something that others don't. Obviously this is almost impossible with open source operating systems and applications. To solve this difficulty, ClosedOpenSource.com will be offering, at very reasonable prices, a full range of NDAs on a number of topics. We at ClosedOpenSource.com will promise guarantee pledge that each NDA will be unique. For an additional fee we also offer MetaNDATM, a new concept in the NDA world that will boost your profile within any company. A MetaNDATM is a NDA under which we will tell you which other people in your company have signed NDAs with us.

    Of course, all NDAs issued by ClosedOpenSource.com are covered by a NDA (this service is free.)

  3. Poor support services. It's widely recognised that one of the advantages with closed source software is the expensive and truly appalling support that most customers receive. To ensure that we at ClosedOpenSource.com live up to this reputation we will supply a Answer-Phone telephone call center to which incidents may be reported at a (prepaid, minimum number of ten incidents per year) cost of only US$100 an incident.

    We regret that, in accordance with the DMCA, all information supplied when reporting an incident becomes ClosedOpenSource.com company confidential. If When supplied, answers to an incident will be covered by a NDA (for which we will change a small fee.)

  4. Unfortunately timed product withdrawals. A perceived problem with open source products is that they just will not go away. Once an open source application has been released it just keeps on getting improved. Obviously this can reach a stage where the product is almost perfect, lacking bugs but not lacking any necessary features. Should this unfortunate state of affairs be allowed, you may find yourself down-sized... after all, who needs a software support organization if the software doesn't need support?

    To ensure that ClosedLinuxTM never reaches this terrible condition, we at ClosedOpenSource.com will withdraw each ClosedLinuxTM release at the most unfortunate time possible for your and your company and replace it with a new release of ClosedLinuxTM which will have an undisclosed number of changes and problems. John, Can we sell the fools the change log under NDA?

  5. Documentation. We fully expect that any demand for documentation for our ClosedLinuxTM will be covered by the full color sixteen page manual supplied free with every copy of ClosedLinuxTM John, if we use smaller type and take out the pictures can't we reduce that to twelve pages? Can we use "full color" if there are only two colors? Check with legal.

We at ClosedOpenSource.com hope that you will visit our web site (www.MechanicallyRecoveredMeat.com best viewed with Mosaic) soon and sign-up for one or more of our services.

ClosedOpenSource.com reserves the right to keep any of your money that we may obtain and to change products and services without notice. Contents may settle during storage and give the appearance of a partially filled box.

John, can you make sure that the indicated changes are made before this goes out? And also check something out with legal -- one of the bearded wonders down in the basement was screaming about someone called JMS and something he called a Grue. He said we would be in deep shit if we tried to sell ClosedLinuxTM, Thanks

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