Operation Killer Penguin

Fake News written by Nicholas Curran on Saturday, February 10, 2001

from the charge-of-the-linux-brigade dept.

Recently, Humorix reported that Microsoft had declared war against Linux by launching a Denial Of Service Attack aimed at Linus Torvalds. The next week, Microsoft's website was hit by a Denial Of Service Attack, denying millions of Hotmail users from accessing their spam.

Coincidence? Of course not. Operation "Killer Penguin" is in full swing.

On the morning of the Anti-Linux Patch Attack, Linus sent the following strongly worded message to Microsoft: "Stop your DOS attack or ELSE!"

The response? "Or ELSE what? You'll attack us with an army of killer penguins? Ha! I'd like to see that! Signed, Steve Ballmer."

Unfortunately, Linus didn't have any killer penguins on hand, although Tux Penguin has promised to recruit a small army from Antarctica within the next month. Instead, Linus retaliated with his own Denial Of Service Attack.

"We decided to first hit Microsoft's soft underbelly: their marketing department," explained one participant in "Killer Penguin". He continued, "If Microsoft can't spew marketing hype, then Pointy Haired Bosses around the globe will emerge from their brainwashed state and realize just how crappy Microsoft shoveware really is."

The plan, while a paragon of brilliant military strategy, hit a small setback early on: it was discovered that Microsoft's PR department relies heavily on Linux servers.

"No matter how many spoofed packets and spam emails we hit them with, those Linux servers just kept on chugging. And then the obvious dawned on us: since these servers were administered by PR flacks, they wouldn't have any recent (or even ancient) security patches applied. Alan Cox and his band of hackers -- the 'Sneaky Bastards' -- were able to gain root access within minutes, and the PR department was toast."

Reports from our Vast Spy Network(tm) indicate that Microsoft's vast PR department has not fully recovered from the attack. Humorix reported that the crash of Microsoft's website was not the end of the world -- and while that's still true, it may just have been the end of the Microsoft's extreme profits and hopes of dominating the world.

Or maybe not. These are the same people that recovered from the disastrous release of Microsoft Bob, so these people can recover from anything. They've already launched a counter-FUD attack (albeit weak), calling Linux a "crummy operating system". We'll just have to wait and see.

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