If You're Reading This, Prepare To Get Sued
Fake News written by on Tuesday, February 13, 2001
We need money fast. Two years ago we had to shoo Venture Capitalists off our property with cattle prods. But nowadays, thanks to the Dotcom Downturn, the flow of free money has dried up. We can no longer maintain the standard of living that we have become accustomed to -- no more Faberge-Egg-Of-The-Month Club, no more New Ferrari Fridays, no more 512-node Beowulf Clusters for every employee.
While our Plan A ("mooching off of Venture Capitalists") has failed, we do have a Plan B ("file lawsuits against everybody in sight"). Hey, all the other struggling dotcoms are doing it. Our legal counsel, Mr. Noah Morals, Esq., has concocted a way to raise money quick -- and we'll get some bonus evil points for using the DMCA to do it!
According to the DMCA:
A technological measure 'effectively controls access to a work' if the measure, in the ordinary course of its operation, requires the application of information, or a process or a treatment, with the authority of the copyright owner, to gain access to the work.
Since it clearly does not state that the access control measure be of any strength, plain old ASCII falls under the above definition. Since your computer had to decode the ASCII sequence to put this on your computer screen (and did so without our explicit permission), you are now in violation of the DMCA (Direct Money Capturing Act).
You might say that just because we posted it to our publicly accessible website, that gives you permission to decode it. Not so, says Noah Morals. According to him, that's only implicit permission, not explicit. Ha ha, suckers.
"This should put a stop to all those pirates who blatently decrypt our stories!" he said. "This was costing us tens of dollars a year. It's good to know that the horror is finally over... Now if you'll excuse me, I have a once-in-a-lifetime invitation to have lunch with my heros, Jeff Bezos and David Wetherell."