Microsoft Ports Wine To Windows
Fake News written by on Friday, February 23, 2001
REDMOND, WA -- Microsoft announced today that, after a month of intense development, it had successfully ported Wine to the Windows 9x operating system. Microsoft®(tm) Wine®(tm) for®(tm) Windows®(tm) is a closed-source fork of the Wine project (an open source Windows emulator). It consists of a standalone .exe file that uses less than 2 kB of diskspace.
Steven P. Ammer, Microsoft Marketing and PR Manager, explained during a press conference:
"Microsoft®(tm) Wine®(tm) for®(tm) Windows®(tm) was implemented to prove that Windows is ultimately more efficient than Linux and other
Communist open source systems. We guarantee that Microsoft Wine for Windows can run all Windows applications perfectly... something the Linux/*BSD versions of Wine aren't even close to accomplishing (and never will, once we unveil the many new innovative APIs in Windows XP that aren't backwards-compatible)."
He added, "Similarily, Wine for Windows ultimately demonstrates the vast superiority of the Win32 API, which allows us to produce more efficient code. We're pleased to announce that WinWine reduces 5 megabytes of obsolete UNIX calls and related bloatware into a nice, sleek 2 kilobyte exectuable."
[What Mr. Ammer fails to mention is the 25 megabytes of help files, dancing paperclip animations, wizards, and license agreements that are bundled with WinWine. -- The Editor]
Asked by reporters on whether Microsoft intends to embrace-and-extinguish other open source programs, Ammer replied, "Microsoft has the world's largest concentration of talented programmers, marketing geniuses, and crafty lawyers. Of course we could! But why bother? We chose Wine simply as a proof of concept of why the GPL license is evil. If Wine wasn't available under a BSD-style license, we wouldn't have been able to innovate a Windows port. Nevertheless, we don't intend to port any other open source applications, since all of them are clearly inferior to Microsoft's own solutions."
Mindcraft, the Gartner Group, and several Ziff-Davis pundits immediately issued advisories and statements entitled "More Proof Linux Sucks", "Microsoft Beats Linux Again", and "Could You Get Fired For Trying To Compete Against Microsoft?" Microsoft stock rose 150% in heavy trading before collapsing after rumors leaked that Bill Gates had unsuccessfully tried to "lobby" Bill Clinton into pardoning Microsoft for anti-trust violations.