Some Good News From Redmond

Fake News written by ReignStorm on Monday, March 12, 2001

from the fulfilling-the-dream-of-every-geek dept.

REDMOND, WA -- The Microsoft Campus survived the quake, but it didn't survive Quake. Several building at the software bohemoth's World Headquarters lay in ruins after an unmanned next-generation Army tank attacked earlier today. Members of the Linux community are reportedly "ecstatic" over the news.

For several years the US Army has tested tanks with limited artificial intelligence capabilities that can automate routine tasks. This particular tank was running an embedded version of Red Hat Linux and Quake.

Sources close to Red Hat and the Army confirm that the idea for a "smart" tank running Linux was derived from an IRC discussion that was intercepted by Echelon (Or was it Carnivore? These privacy-invading schemes are too hard to keep track of!). Here is a transcript of that discussion:

ReignStorm: dvNull check out this link

dvNull: heh, another item would be if the tanks autodrive to Redmond and destroy MS headquarters.

ReignStorm: roflmao

Hesiod, Painless, guru, sunshine, halo64, Dmadhatr, zer0byte and others logged in on the network at that moment were not available for comment.

Our sources also report that Matthew Szulik has been restless lately and whenever asked about Jim Allchin's comments regarding Linux, he would get a smug look on his face and say cryptically, "Those Microsoft @#$&*#@'s will get what they deserve, wait till Linux's firepower hits 'em!"

He's also been quoted in the past as saying, "The Linux [think] tank is much more powerful that Microsoft can ever come up with!"

"We never thought that he was referring to an actual tank", said Joe Smith, the Manager of the Anti-Competitive Technologies Division at Red Hat, requesting anonymity. "It wasn't until later that we learned Szulik had developed a remote control system using a Quake-like interface. 'Fragging' will take on a whole different meaning if this technology becomes popular."

It's not clear how Szulik gained access to the Army's prototype tank, or how he transported it to Redmond, but we can rest easy knowing there's probably a perfectly good explanation or conspiracy theory involved.

We tried to contact Matthew Szulik, but he only babbled a few incoherent phrases about "the earthquake", "The Great Penguin's will has been completed", and "tank did what the earthquake couldn't do". He then burst into demonical laughter.

Microsoft's stock dropped sharply in heavy trading, but picked up after the company issued a press release stating that the damage mostly affected the "Research & Development" buildings, which aren't that important.

"Rest assured, Marketing and Sales are still operational, and supplies of Windows will continue unaffected," the press release noted. "There's nothing to see here. Please move along and continue to purchase innovative Microsoft solutions as if nothing has happened."

"dvNull" contributed to this article.

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