"Oops," Says MPAA President
Fake News written by on Sunday, March 18, 2001
Last month, the United States filed a legal brief in support of the MPAA's argument that linking to the DeCSS source code is not protected by the First Amendment.
At the time, the MPAA was ecstatic. But not any longer. The tables have turned: the Federal government has filed a lawsuit against the movie industry, arguing that many Hollywood-produced movies 'link' to illegal content. The MPAA is now desperately wrapping itself up in the Bill of Rights.
"Murder is illegal. Showing a murder in a movie -- or, rather, 'linking' to it -- is also illegal," explained a spokesperson for the Coalition Of Angry Soccer Moms In Support Of Brow-Beating Movie Industry Executives, an interest group that has backed the government's lawsuit.
We here at Humorix must admit to difficulty in understanding that logic. But who said logic was a prerequisite for filing a lawsuit?
The spokesperson added, "The DeCSS source code is a recipe for committing an illegal act -- descrambling DVD encryption. Meanwhile, violent movies are a recipe for committing an illegal act -- murder. If you don't know how to descramble a DVD, just go fetch the DeCSS source code. If you don't know how to kill somebody, just go watch a bloody movie, which will provide all the details and instructions you need for committing murder. There's absolutely no difference."
Naturally, the MPAA has dispatched its Vast PR Network to try to defuse the issue. "We here at the MPAA adamantly support the First Amendment," one spokesweasal said during a press conference.
"Unless, of course, it interferes with our profit margin," he muttered under his breath. "We bought and paid for the DMCA strictly to go after evil, free-loading, fourteen-year old pirates who steal our content, threaten the livelihoods of the families of Hollywood actors, and conspire for world domination. Our intention wasn't to outlaw quality, action-oriented entertainment that millions of Americans have come to enjoy."
The President of the MPAA was a little less polite in his response to the new lawsuit. "Aw, crap! I knew we should've let those long-hair, Linux hippie freaks have their way! It's not like their DeCSS hack is going to do them much good once we unveil DVD 2.0 -- discs which will literally blow up anytime somebody tries to copy or tamper with them. We've decimated the First Amendment at a time when we really need it," he shouted during a conservation with other movie moguls that our Vast Spy Network(tm)'s Vast Wiretap System® intercepted.
Members of the Linux community have expressed confusion over the news. One Anonymous Coward ranted, "On the one hand, I hate the MPAA. On the other hand, I hate censors. On the third hand, I hate the DMCA. Who am I supposed to support here? Oh, and on the fourth hand, I hate ethical dilemmas!"
In related news, Humorix's Vast Spy Network(tm) has discovered that the White House website is only 124 clicks away from an illegal, pirated copy of the upcoming movie, "Star Trek XXIII: The Search For Merchandising Opportunities". Clearly, the President's webmaster is violating the DMCA, and we urge that this injustice be dealt with, just as soon as we finish downloading a copy.