Microsoft Conspiracy Theory #5,734

Fake News written by James Baughn on Wednesday, March 21, 2001

from the what-would-we-do-without-microsoft? dept.

We here at Humorix have always had a soft spot for Microsoft conspiracy theories. That's why our Vast Spy Network(tm) has created a Vast Conspiracy Theory Research Division(tm). Staffed with two dozen of the world's foremost conspiracy theorists, this division will theorize conspiracies involving such sinister forces as Microsoft, lawsuit-happy religious cults, portal sites, and the Helsinkian Underground.

The new department has only been in operation for 6 hours, and they've already uncovered one of the most evil Microsoft conspiracies theories to date.

For years, Microsoft has relied upon such tactics as "embrace-and-extinguish", "vaporize-with-vaporware", and "cut-air-supply" against any company that dares to compete with it. Such strategies have failed against Linux, so the software bohemoth is turning to Plan B: lobby state governments to ban Linux.

This sinister conspiracy is reaching fruition.


Microsoft has convinced one Texas state representative to sponsor legislation that would require computer manufacturers to install censorware on any computer that comes with an operating system. This does not bode well for open source software, as no self-respecting Linux developer would ever create anything that facilitated censorship.

Could this legislation ban Linux? Possibly. It might be a tad difficult to "protect the children" if those children can find a way to gain root access. It doesn't matter what censorware package you have, root will trump it any day of the week. Thus, Texas may take a dim view on Linux and declare it "unsafe for children". The presence of the f--- word in older kernel versions won't help, either.


Microsoft is taking advantage of the power crisis to do a little Linux bashing. During an emergency hearing before the California Senate, a Microsoft spokesperson argued that Linux is partly to blame for the surge in electricity consumption.

"People are much more likely to leave their Linux computers running all the time because they don't crash. It's a matter of bragging rights. Meanwhile, people rarely leave Windows 9x running overnight, because it will just crash spontaneously anyway. Thus, people who use Linux are sucking much more electricity than Windows users," the spokesweasal argued.

He the concluded, "California should either ban Linux outright, or mandate the use of a kernel module that crashes Linux randomly every two hours (just like Windows) to prevent excess electricity consumption."

Other states

Microsoft is quietly promoting legislation in other states that would effectively hamper Linux use. Our Vast Conspiracy Theory Research Division(tm) has had insufficient time to fabricate investigate the details, but we do know that "UCITA 2.0" is pending in many state legislatures.

UCITA 2.0 is a package of reforms (well, actually, "deforms") that would legalize shrinkwrap licenses within shinkwrap licenses. When you purchase (lease) a piece of Microsoft software, you would have to agree to an EULA that you couldn't read until you broke the shrinkwrap. However, the EULA would be covered by another layer of shrinkwrap that you would have to break in order to read it. But by breaking the second layer of shrinkwrap, you would be agreeing to a second EULA that you couldn't read until you broke a third layer of shrinkwrap, and so on. These successive EULAs could legally contain such terms as "you, referred hereinafter as the SUPPLICANT, must give us your soul on alternate Thursdays" or "you must hand over your first born son if you break the terms of this license by ever saying anything bad about this product or Microsoft."

Stay tuned to Humorix as our conspiracy theorists uncover other sinister plots for world domination just as we plot world domination ourselves.

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