Panic! We Have Nothing Planned For April Fool's Day!
Fake News written by on Thursday, March 29, 2001
We now take you live to the Bored Room at Humorix World Headquarters where a heated discussion is unfolding...
James Baughn: Dammit, folks, we're only hours away from the number one holiday for humor publications, and we've got nothing! We blew it last year and I will not tolerate another April Fool's Day that doesn't feature any fooling.
Jon Splatz: Oh come on! April Fool's Day is obviously a creation of evil, heartless lawyers. Think about it. Lots of people play practical jokes on other people on April 1st. You know what happens when practical jokes go awry? Lawsuits! When it comes to pranks and mischief, the people who always get the last laugh (and padded bank accounts) are lawyers.
Noah Morals: You know what Splatz, as a lawyer I am getting so fed up with your Lawyerclysm hysteria that I'm seriously considering launching a Denial Of Life attack against you by filing hundreds or thousands of pointless lawsuits against you. You'll spend all your time fighting frivolous libel lawsuits that you won't have a life. Not that you have one now, Mr. Pundit and Social Commentator That Couldn't Even Get Hired At Ziff-Davis.
Splatz: Don't mess with me, Noah. I'm in a horrible mood after a stray piece of Mir landed on Humorixia last week and wiped out the bronze statue of me, the Benevolent Dictator of Humorixia.
Baughn: Whatever. Will you guys quit flaming each other? This is serious business. No humor publication in the history of humor publishing has ever let April Fool's Day pass without a good April fool. We need to do something fast. Maybe we should look at what other people are planning. What's the latest scoop from the Vast Spy Network(tm)?
Double-Oh-Zero (Spy-In-Chief): Uh, well, to be honest the boys and I have been so busy constructing our new Vast Music Distribution Network® to take the place of Napster that we haven't had time to do any spying.
Baughn: Aw, geez. What kind of outfit is this? You'd think Humorix was some kind of pathetic, no-budget operation based in a dilapidated outhouse in the Ozarks!
Double-Oh-Zero: Sheesh! We all know that the Vast Spy Network(tm) was invented for the sole reason to put lots of (tm) and ® symbols throughout our fake news articles, while providing lots of golden opportunities for meta-meta-meta-humor.
Dances With Herring: Hey, over here! Humorix hired me as an investigative reporter... and I'm here to report my investigations if you all would quit ignoring me. I've uncovered the details on several upcoming April Fool's Day gags.
First, Linus Torvalds will announce that he's quitting kernel development so he can spend more time forking off child processes -- er, I mean, building a family.
Second, Slashdot will become assimilated by a certain large for-profit religious organization that starts with the letter "S".
Finally, Microsoft will embrace Open Source. They will hold a huge promotional event in which Bill Gates stands on a street corner and starts handing out CDs "containing the source code to Windows 2000". Of course, those CDs will contain nothing more than the Visual Basic code for Solitaire.
Baughn: Wow, those could be hard to compete with. Still, we've gotta come up with something.
Dances: Why couldn't we pretend that we have to shut down our site because of a pending lawsuit filed by some large evil organization?
Morals: What do you mean by "pretend"? We have been sued by a large evil organzitation -- a certain for-profit religious organization that starts with the letter "S".
Baughn: The "Second Church Of Bubba" in Muncie, Indiana. Yeah, I know. They claim that Humorix violates the trademark of their sacred book, "Limericks & Humoricks", which apparently is the recorded dialogue of the jokes that the Great Prophet Bubba told to this Intoxicated Disciples. Or something like that.
Dances: Okay, so maybe that idea won't work. I have another plan, though. Why couldn't we pretend to transform Humorix into a serious Linux publication that only prints "real news"?
Splatz: That won't work. We have enough trouble fabricating fake news. How the heck are we going to generate real news? Besides, I still don't understand what's so great about April Fool's Day anyway. Not only is it a conspiracy by lawyers, but it's also the first steps towards the "Absurdiclysm", a point in time in which society devolves into a state of silly nonsensical absurdity. It's already struck California. We need to boycott April Fool's Day before it consumes society. The time for action is now! We must take a stand. We must fight absurdity on the beaches...
Baughn: Splatz! You're coredumping again.
Splatz: Uh... yeah, sorry about that.
Dances: I've got it! We can pretend that Humorix has a mole buried deep within the bowels of Microsoft, secretly plotting worldwide Linux acceptance and bringing down the place from the inside! The leaked Halloweem memos, the rigged demo in the anti-trust trial, the recent plummet in MSFT stock price... it's all been orchestrated by our plant. His name is Steve Ballmer!
Baughn: That's not much of an April Fool's Day gag. Well, we all know Steve Ballmer is an April Fool. But otherwise I don't see this going anywhere because nobody will believe it.
Morals: Well, this whole board meeting isn't going anywhere either. I say we just forget about April Fool's Day and instead worry about August Fool's Day, a holiday I just invented. We could slap a trademark and patent on this new holiday and then reap the royalty checks every time somebody plays a prank on August 1st.
Baughn: I like it! The best part is that we don't have to come up with our own Fool's Day gag until August 1st. As I've always said, the best plans are those that involve procrastination. Let's do it.