Blartner Group Warns Of Destructive Virus

Fake News written by James Baughn on Sunday, April 15, 2001

from the we're-not-talking-about-windows dept.

According to a report released earlier today by the Blartner Group, a rapidly spreading virus could decimate the computer industry within five years unless a strict program of quarantine and vaccination is implemented immediately.

"This is serious business," explained CEO Alan Blartner at a press conference. "Unless something is done, the GNU General Public License could infect every piece of intellectual property in the entire Universe. This virus must be stopped."

Blartner cited a case study to demonstrate the economic ruin that so-called "Open Source viruses" (including the GPL) can cause. Ironically, the case study is the Blartner Group itself. "One of our longhaired freaks in the IT Department smuggled in a Linux machine and hooked it up to the corporate network without our knowledge," says the report. "That's how the infection started."

"Before long his co-workers snuck in their own machines running non-Microsoft software. It costs millions of dollars to eradicate the GPL virus from this company. We found it extremely difficult to recruit people who were willing to treat our non-Microsoft installations as a disease and replace them with healthy Windows boxes. And we still haven't completely eliminated the virus. Just yesterday we discovered an old Linux server that had been accidentally enclosed behind a wall."

According to Blartner, the origins of the GPL virus have been tracked to a "radical terrorist organization" (their words, not ours) located in Boston. "We have reason to believe that this organization of Communist freaks is developing a supervirus known simply as 'Version 3.0'," the report states. "We recommend placing this radical group under quarantine until an effective treatment and prevention program can be deployed worldwide."

Richard M. Stallman issued a rebuttal to the Blartner report, saying only, "It's GNU/Linux, dammit!". He has been otherwise silent on the matter and was unavailable for comment at press time.

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