Windows XP Eliminates Blue Screen Of Death!
Fake News written by on Monday, May 7, 2001
Last month, our Vast Spy Network(tm) reported that Microsoft had replaced the bluescreen in XP with the "Crash Wizard". Earlier today, the VSN snatched the latest build, only to discover that the Crash Wizard and Blue Screen of Death had both been completely eliminated.
No, Microsoft didn't copy the Linux or *BSD kernel... they just replaced the BSOD with the TASOD(tm), or the Themable, Animated Screen of Death(tm).
By default, when Windows XP crashes, it shows an animation demonstrating how to reboot the computer. "First," says the cartoon character of Bill Gates, "pull the power cord from the socket. Next, place the plug back in the socket. If you have difficulty locating your power outlet, please contact your system administrator at extension 6838."
Windows XP comes bundled with CRAP(tm), the Central Repository of Animated Plug-ins, which includes over 1.5 gigabytes of animations that can be shown when a fatal exception occurs.
One theme shows the Paperclip dancing around the screen while saying, "Hello, valued Windows XP user! I hope you are enjoying the Windows XP experience brought to you by Microsoft, the leader in software innovation. I regret to inform you that one of your software applications has crashed. Of course, this problem was caused by a non-Microsoft program, because Windows XP and all bundled applications have been certified Bug-Free(tm). Unfortunately, all of your data has been lost and you will need to reboot your machine. Also, while rebooting, please ignore the message which accuses you of being an total idiot for not properly shutting down Windows. Thank you for using Windows XP and have a nice reboot!"
Another animated theme targeted at the "corporate environment" features the "Dancing Filing Cabinet" saying, "Your computer has crashed and will need to be rebooted. At this time let me remind you that destroying your computer in a fit of rage is against company policy and can result in termination. Please follow along as I demonstrate how to use your telephone to contact your system administrator at extension 6383."
According to a leaked marketing kit, the "6383" telephone extension is a new "open standard" that will be promoted by Microsoft as an attempt to show that the company "plays well with others". (If your company violates this new standard because its phone system only supports three digit extensions, you may request a change for the "trivial processing fee" of just $1.3 million.)
Windows XP also supports themes created by users. In light of this new feature, several stock analysts have given a "strong buy" recommendation to themes.org. "Most Windows users don't care about windows.themes.org because the Windows program they use most -- the bluescreen -- is not themable," droned one stock expert. "But with Windows XP, that will change, providing a valuable opportunity for themes.org to boost traffic and banner impressions by several orders of magnitude. This is a great time to buy!"