Microsoft Drops Shrinkwrap License "Can't Sue Us" Clause
Fake News written by on Saturday, May 19, 2001
REDMOND -- A Microsoft spokesperson today announced that the company was choosing not to persue expensive government lobbying that would make the shrinkwrap license exemption from legal action valid in all parts of the world.
The spokesperson reported that Microsoft's Legal Department (pat. pend.) had realized such an exemption was completely unnecessary to protect the company from lawsuits arising from product failures.
"When we realized that we could prove beyond all reasonable doubt that only a complete idiot would employ Windows or related software in mission critical situations, we knew the clause was obsolete. I mean, how many IT managers will stand up in court and try to prove that they are mentally incompetent to do their jobs?"
In the future, all Microsoft products will contain warnings to the effect that mentally incompetent persons should not be allowed to use the software without supervision and that the supervisor agrees to take full responsibility for the user's actions, thus closing the possibility of a genuinely handicapped person exploiting the system.
A high-ranking official for McDonalds reportedly spit coffee out his nose upon hearing the news of Microsoft's strategy. "Why didn't we think of this first?" he yelled. "If only we had tried to argue in court that only a complete moron would lack the necessary motor skills to hold a cup of hot coffee without spilling it."
However, Microsoft has applied for a patent on their new legal defense. According to a Redmond spokesperson, "McDonalds will have to pay us royalties if they want to use this legal strategy in court."
Microsoft shares (Nasdaq: BSOD) rose sharply in the wake of the announcement.