Bill Gates Sends Out Desperate Plea For Help

Fake News written by James Baughn on Monday, May 28, 2001

from the if-only-this-were-true dept.

REDMOND -- In a shocking development, Chief Bloatware Architect Bill Gates admitted today that Microsoft is in severe financial difficulty and desperately needs donations to stay afloat through the next month.

"The dismal state of the economy, the lackluster sales of Windows ME, and the pending anti-trust lawsuit have placed significant financial stress on Microsoft," Gates said at a press conference. "We can't continue to develop and maintain our innovative solutions without financial contributions from users like you."

The company spent the remaining $10,000 in its coffers to send out letters to registered Windows users pleading for donations.

"For just pennies a day, you can help support the world's most innovative company in its quest to discover the cure for the Blue Screen of Death," the letter announces. "Or you can help fund research and development into improving the security of our products against such sinister forces as script kiddies, crackers, and Linux freaks."

According to the letter, donors who give more than $20 will receive a free subscription to Microsoft Magazine. Those who give more than $100 will receive a limited edition "Clippit" plush doll. The reward for a $10,000 donation is your name engraved on a block of gold that will be used to pave One Microsoft Way. And finally, for those fools who donate more than $75,000, Microsoft will name a product after you. (Sorry, but "Bob" is already taken.)

In the last month, Microsoft has already laid off half of its technical support staff. However, industry observers don't expect that to have much impact on customer relations. "Microsoft will still have the same lousy service and busy signals as usual even with a reduction in staff," said one pundit.

The company has also asked MSN users to cut back on their hours online. "Please try to conserve the amount of time you spend online," said one Microsoft spokesperson who has worked the past two weeks without pay. "If you could refrain from downloading any large porn images for the next month, that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your support."

Bill Gates warned that if finances don't improve soon, the company will be forced to lay off even more people and to cease development on many software programs. Several buildings on the Microsoft campus would then be leased to Starbucks and Wal-Mart to raise some quick cash.

"We can't go on like this," Gates pleaded. "Won't somebody please think of the children of Microsoft employees?"

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