Microsoft Releases First Open Source Application

Fake News written by Bernhard Rosenkraenzer on Monday, June 4, 2001

from the is-that-a-pig-flying? dept.

REDMOND -- Even though the core temperature of Hell has remained unchanged, Microsoft announced today that they have made available a software program under the GPL. And no, we're not talking about the Grossly Private License.

The Microsoft Marketing Department issued this press release about the stunning development:

For Immediate Release
Microsoft Corporation, One Microsoft Way, Redmond, WA

Microsoft Corporation, the number one software producer in the world, is happy to announce the release of our latest innovative solution, Microsoft Bubba®, under an open source license. This move is designed to show the Department of [In]Justice, the US Supreme Court, and our millions of customers that Microsoft plays well with others and is serious about fairness, standards, and interoperability.

To make certain our new standard application will work well even with primitive Communist attempts at writing "open source" operating systems, such as Linux (an operating system that resembles Microsoft DOS 1.0 in its functionality, look and driver support), we have released the code under the GNU General Public License Version 2.

To download this program, point your copy of Internet Explorer® at ftp17.microsoft.com/opensource/cancer/ and download the file bubba.cab. Note that if you experience glacial slowness while downloading this file, the source of the problem is with the server's inferior operating system (Red Hat Linux) and has nothing to do with the server's hardware (a 486DX-66 PC on a dial-up link).

We dispatched the Humorix Vast Research Labs of Doom(tm) to download and investigate this new Microsoft offering. After peering at the source code, we were quite shocked to learn that Microsoft Bubba® is actually a spamming tool. The software accesses MUD® (the Microsoft User Database®) which holds the names, email addresses, and credit card numbers for every person who has ever used a Microsoft product or visited a Microsoft web server.

About two hours after the first press release, the Microsoft Legal Department issued this statement:

For Immediate Release
Microsoft Corporation, One Microsoft Way, Redmond, WA

As part of a joint research study between Microsoft and the Gartner Group, we have discovered that 90% of unsoliciated commercial bulk e-mail, commonly called spam, is sent via open source software.

This finding clearly shows that GPL'd software, including Linux, represents a severe annoyance for all Internet users. This cancer threatens the very fabric of the Internet and should be outlawed immediately.

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