Class-Action Lawsuit Filed Against Linus Torvalds

Fake News written by James Baughn on Thursday, June 21, 2001

from the attack-of-the-killer-lawyers dept.

SILLYCON VALLEY -- Nearly 130 former system administrators have filed suit against Linus Torvalds in which they claim Linux cost them their jobs. Recently several companies migrated from Windows to Linux, increasing their productivity but decreasing the need for a large staff of tech workers, prompting a wave of layoffs.

"The good old days when it required five full-time system administrators to maintain a Microsoft Exchange server are history, all because of that cancer known as Linux," explained Mr. Biggley Winer, the lead litigant in the lawsuit.

"It all started two years ago when some pimply-faced idiot down in Accounting decided to smuggle in a Linux box to automate some of his work," Mr. Winer continued. "Before long every tech-savvy person in Accounting, Billing, and Sales was secretly using Linux. Before long the CEO -- who had just lost a major contract because his PowerPoint presentation crashed during a major presentation -- became fed up with Microsoft products and decided to migrate most systems to Linux."

"That's when the troubles started. Productivity soared. Downtime was limited to an average of three milliseconds per day. Macro viruses ceased to spread. It was horrible! The entire IT staff was replaced by one part-time bearded wonder, who was able to administrate the entire Linux network! Due to the layoffs, I'm now sitting in a homeless shelter with little hope to find work. Nobody wants to hire an MCSE anymore!"

Mr. Winer then concluded his tale by saying, "This sordid mess is all the fault of Linus Torvalds. He's going to pay for this!"

Other class-action members told similar stories. Said one, "Companies are saving millions of dollars because of Linux, money that is being pocketed by high-priced, evil CEOs instead of going to deserving system administrators. This injustice must end! Crappy Microsoft software for everyone!"

The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) has received word that the million monkeys within the Microsoft Marketing Department are planning to use the lawsuit as the basis for a new advertising campaign. They are producing ads which ask, "Could you get fired for letting your boss choose Linux? Stop this cancer now before it makes your job obsolete! Won't somebody please think of the children of system administrators who might lose their jobs because of the evil Linus Torvalds bent on world domination?"

Linus Torvalds was unavailable for comment at press time as usual.

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