Here's Your Bill, Bill

Fake News written by Matthew Adair on Sunday, July 8, 2001

from the not-related-in-any-way-to-china dept.

[Editor's Note: The management managed to pry Mr. Adair out of his maximum security cubicle at basement level 42 of Humorix World Headquarters long enough for him to fire off this incoherent rip-off of the bill that China recently sent the US.

We're not sure if he's sane, as he hasn't spoken to us in a long time and when he does speak it's in a mish-mash of various languages including Perl, C, and even Pascal. This, of course, makes him all the better to write this, as it will make us less prone to lawsuits if we can blame this on someone who is quite possibly legally insane.]


B I L L

To: Microsoft Corporation
From: Humorix World Domination, Inc. (Nasdaq: FAUX)
For: Cost of Damages Incurred and Services Rendered (seventh attempt)

To whom it may concern:

The following costs were incurred during the recent unsuccessful Microsoft raid of our corporate offices:

  • 27 computers damaged by Microsoft Intellectual Property Police for a total of $5,700 worth of damages. (Yes, we're that cheap, so sue us.)

    [Note from our lawyer, Mr. Noah Morals: Please refrain from suing Humorix World Domination as the writer of that comment is legally insane and is thus NOT to be believed, except when we explicitly state that he is telling the truth.]

  • 7 glass windows shattered; total damage $410.

  • 10 abandoned copies of Microsoft Windows 2000 Service Patch 16.7.3141 discovered lying on the floor. We were forced to hire a specialist in toxic waste cleanup to remove this unsightly trash for a total cost of $1,200.

  • Medical services rendered to 7 unconscious IPP officers who fainted at the sight of a Microsoft-free work environment. Total cost, $890.

  • Supplies to clean our bathrooms, cost $83.

  • Carpet cleaning supplies and labor, cost $235.

  • Foodstuffs consumed in our cafeteria, cost $35.

  • 22 bottles of various caffeinated beverages consumed, cost $110.

  • Lost productivity, $90,000. (Productivity being a loosely defined thing here at Humorix World HQ)

  • Damage incurred to our secret GNUist launch facility, $500,000. (Well, it WAS a secret!)

SUBTOTAL DUE: $598,663

PENALTIES DUE TO REPEATED DENIAL TO PAY: $2,000,000

TOTAL DUE (Before applicable taxes): $2,598,663

THIS IS YOUR FINAL NOTIFICATION. ANY FURTHER ATTEMPTS TO AVOID PAYMENT WILL RESULT IN LEGAL ACTION AGAINST YOU. AND SINCE WE ARE DESPERATE FOR MONEY, WE WOULD RATHER YOU CONTINUE YOUR PRESENT COURSE OF INACTION SO THAT WE MAY SUE YOU AND WIN INSANE AMOUNTS OF MONEY THAT WILL BE AWARDED TO US BY THE COURTS.

Signed,

Mr. G. E. Trich
Humorix's Chief Accountant and Executive Book Cooker

NOTE: This document is a publication of The GNUist Party, which is a branch of the Free Software Foundation, which is a branch of... some even more secret and shadowy organization that we haven't invented a name for yet.

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