Music Industry Discovers Perfect Anti-Piracy Scheme

Fake News written by James Baughn on Thursday, July 19, 2001

from the truth-in-advertising dept.

CALIFORNIA -- Get ready for a deluge of CRAP (Copyright Regime Against Piracy). At a press conference held earlier today, the RIAA and various other Big Evil Trade Associations hyped this new acronym as the ultimate solution for ending copyright infringement.

"Lawsuits and restrictive software can only go so far. But with CRAP, we can boldly embrace the Internet revolution while still padding our wallets with enought megabucks to buy that fifth luxury mansion we so desperately need."

Mr. Sim O. Leons, a spokesperson for the RIAA, explained, "Under recently deployed technology, if an evil pirate duplicates a protected CD, the resulting copy will contain a bunch of annoying hisses and noises. Buy stop there? Under the CRAP(tm) regime, the original CD will contain so many annoying hisses and noises that would-be pirates won't even bother trying to copy it. Now that's a solution."

And that's not all. "We've signed record deals with a bunch of upcoming stars to produce songs so CRAPpy, so horrible, so awful, and so gut-wrenching, that nobody will ever want to copy one of their CDs in the first place. Piracy will suddenly halt!"

But what if consumers don't want to listen to these new songs? Mr. Leons has the answer: "They won't have any choice. By 2005, every single new song will be produced under the CRAP system. Meanwhile, all music stores will be required by 2003 to destroy every CD in stock that doesn't conform to the CRAP system. Consumers are going to enjoy this new business model, dammit!"

Microsoft doesn't seem too thrilled about the new music regime, however. Said a spokesperson, "We've been trying this idea since 1984 and it simply doesn't work. Even though Windows contains code designed to make it crash at random, that still hasn't stopped pirates from making illegal copies of it."

The spokesman added, "A far better solution is to require retinal scans, DNA samples, and criminal background checks before any person can install Windows on their machine. Each Certificate of Authenticity would then contain a GPS device so that our fleet of satellites can track every installation of Windows during every second of every day. Now that's the ultimate solution for stopping the epidemic of evil pirates."

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