Ask Humorix: I Need A Job!

Feature written by James Baughn on Sunday, August 12, 2001

from the new-meaning-to-the-term-job-hunting dept.

Former Millionaire writes, "I can't stand this much longer. In the last three years, I've been hired by 51 different dotcoms that have all gone bust within a matter of weeks. I have enough pink slips to line the drawers in my kitchen several times over. Please answer this question: Where can I find a good tech job with a company that won't go bankrupt by next week?"

The Humorix Oracle responds:

Dear Former Millionaire,

People may not realize this, but thousands of successful businesses are in desperate need of competent system administrators. You just need to know where to look.

Here's what you should do:

  1. Find an exploit in Microsoft IIS or another buggy Microsoft product to which large corporations rarely apply security patches.

  2. Create a virus or worm that takes advantage of this exploit and then propogates itself by selecting IP numbers at random and then trying to infect those machines.

  3. Keep an eye on your own website's server logs. When your virus starts propogating, your server will be hit with thousands of attacks from other infected systems trying to spread the virus to your machine.

  4. Make a list of the IP numbers of all of the infected machines.

  5. Perform a reverse DNS lookup on these IP numbers.

  6. Make a note of all of the Fortune 500 companies that appear on the list of infected domains.

  7. Send your resume to these companies and request an interview for a system administrator position. These companies are hiring -- whether they realize it or not.

  8. Use your new salary to hire a good defense lawyer when the FBI comes knocking.

It's just that simple!

You owe the Oracle a copy of Microsoft Windows 2000 that doesn't contain any buffer overflow exploits.

Warning from our Legal Department

Humorix World Domination(tm), the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm), and the law firm of Lowe, Morals, and Scruples(tm) does NOT condone or endorse the creation of malicious viruses, worms, or Trojan horses, even for the purpose of destroying Microsoft's reputation.

The US federal government is already powerful enough as it is without yet another excuse to pass more draconian legislation aimed at fighting "hackers", "virus creators", "pirates", and "leaders of the open-source movement".

Besides, Microsoft software is quite good at crashing on its own without the help of "Code Red" or other viruses.

Thank you for your attention.

Mr. Noah Morals, Esq.
Lowe, Morals, and Scruples Law Firm

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