Ask Humorix: What's The Solution To Network Solutions?

Feature written by James Baughn on Monday, August 13, 2001

from the we-need-a-boston-dns-party dept.

Mr. Anon E. Muss writes, "If ICANN is a world government, is there anyway we can initiate a coup d'etat and restore some sanity to the domain name system?"

The Humorix Oracle responds:

It's time for the geek community to band together and fight fire with fire. We need to pursue the same strategy that Bill Gates has used for decades: "If you can't beat 'em, cut off their air supply!"

We can waste our time with diplomacy, with elections, with democratic maneuvering. But there's a far better solution for ending the ICANN reign of terror. Let's abandon the Domain Name System and replace it with the "Mind Reading System".

It's quite simple. Your web browser will simply read your mind and automatically deduce which site you wish to visit. No fuss, no muss, no Big Evil Corporations.

The Mind Reading System utilizies a distributed peer-to-peer buzzword-fortified database that associates each website's IP number with a collection of keywords and other meta-data.

Here's how the Mind Reading System would work:

  1. You open up your browser and issue a mental command such as "I want to visit the world's greatest Linux humor site."

  2. The browser will read and interpret your brain wave patterns and send them off to a peer-to-peer distributed database which connects requests with IP numbers.

  3. The system will search its database for the phrase "world's greatest Linux humor site" and return "Requested website does not exist."

  4. After displaying the error, you browser will again read and interpret your brain wave patterns and send them off to the Mind Reading System database.

  5. The system will interpret your second request, "that lame Linux humor site that only two people ever visit", and send back the IP number for Humorix.

  6. Your browser will store your brain wave patterns as a sequence of hexidemical digits that can be used as a bookmark. For instance, you could represent Slashdot as http://A66101B723DD98B110101101C3361A12B000E523 which is the brain wave pattern for "website with unsubstianted rumors and poor grammar created by some military guy named after a Mexican food".

To implement this system, the geek community will need to develop a brain wave input device along with open-source device drivers. Unfortunately, there's not enough space within the margins of this website to provide an RFC on how to build such a thing. So I'll leave it as an exercise for the reader.

You owe the Humorix Oracle a T-shirt that says, "Network Solutions snatched my million dollar domain name and sold it to the highest bidder and all I got was this lousy T-shirt made in Taiwan."

Update from the Editor:

Just as this article went to press, the staff of Humorix received several irate emails accusing us of astroturf. They claim the questions sent to "Ask Humorix" are in fact written by Humorix staff members under ficticious names.

Our response to these wild accusations:

Well, duh!

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