Death Of The Economy Predicted. Bluescreen At 11.
Fake News written by on Thursday, August 16, 2001
Earlier today, the Blartner Group announced that the world economy had a 95% chance of collapsing as the direct result of the release of Microsoft Windows XP.
"Microsoft's lawyers have been trying to argue in court that any delays in releasing XP could result in serious harm for Microsoft -- and, we're led to believe, what's bad for Microsoft is bad for the country," explained Ted Blartner, founder of the Blartner Group. "But the exact opposite is true -- when XP is released, get ready to receive your pink slip and head over to a soup line."
According to the Blartner Group's report, sales of computer hardware will slump immediately after XP is released, creating a domino effect that will topple the entire world economy.
"Because of the licensing requirements in XP, users won't be able to make major hardware upgrades without first acquiring another copy of Windows. Your typical luser isn't going to jump through Redmond hoops just so they can install a new keyboard. As a result, hardware sales will plummet."
It's not entirely clear how a drop in hardware sales will somehow cause a global depression, but the Blartner Group was quick to provide an explanation. "It's simple. Have you heard of the famous Gijksovvan-Reston-Hrabik Theory of Post-Industrial Chaotic-Dynamic Economic Systems?"
This reporter had to admit no, he hasn't heard of such a thing.
Mr. Blartner responded, "Well, let me quote from my copy of O'Reilly's 'Post-Industrial Economic Theories In A Nutshell' (the book with a duck and a mad scientist on the cover)."
Before I could stop him, Ted Blartner started rambling, "Let's say DRAM sales drop 50%. Memory chips contain gold contacts, so this will effectively reduce the demand for gold. As a result, gold prices drop 0.00001%. Those billionaires who converted all of their assets to gold bars in fear of Y2K or another calamity will suddenly lose money. They will cut back their spending on limousines and sports cars. Luxury car manufacturers will notice the blip -- instead of making $500 million in quarterly profits, they might make $499.99 million -- and suddenly they will lay off a bunch of assembly-line workers. These workers will spend less on non-essential items, such as jewelry. As a result, the demand for gold decreases again. Those aforementioned billionaires lose money, eventually becoming mere millionaires, and the vicious cycle continues viciously until gold is worth the same as a copy of 'Microsoft Bob' (i.e. nothing). Final result: the world economy collapses."
I still wasn't quite convinced. I contacted an industry pundit to get a second opinion.
He said, "What's Mr. Blartner been smoking this week? No, his scenario won't happen. Users will be able to purchase new or upgraded hardware directly from Microsoft without infringing on XP's anti-piracy code. So, sales of hardware will remain unchanged and Blartner's doom-and-gloom prediction won't hold. Bill Gates will rake in more money and purchase additional luxury cars and jewelry. As a result, the demand for gold increases and the global economy continues to chug along..."
"Unless, of course," he added, "you happen to work for a company that competes with Microsoft in hardware or software. In that case, get ready to receive your pink slip and head over to a soup line."