Fighting Fire With Fire

Fake News written by James Baughn on Sunday, August 19, 2001

from the what-are-we-going-to-do-tonight-linus? dept.

Craig Mundie, Steve Ballmer, Bill Gates, and other Microserfs have been attacking the Open Source community at such a frantic pace that Linux zealots have been unable to write rebuttals fast enough. But the tables could quickly turn as leaders of the cancerous, Communist, viral, Pac-Man-like Linux community have drawn up plans to beat Microsoft at its own game.

The counterattack, code-named "Better Dead Than Redmond", is not designed to cut off Microsoft's air supply. Instead, the plan will metaphorically introduce large quantities of sleeping gas into Microsoft's air supply, putting the Redmond bohemoth in a state of delirium while Linux pursues world domination.

Or something like that.

The plan involves three steps:

STEP 1. Equip all mail servers running Linux with filters that automatically convert proprietary Microsoft documents into proprietary Linux documents.

Word attachments would become StarOffice attachments. Excel spreadsheets would be converted to Gnumeric spreadsheets. PowerPoint documents would be deleted to save the world the agony of yet another stupid presentation by a PHB. Windows bitmaps would be converted to GIMP XCF format. However, Office macro viruses would not be converted to Perl scripts.

Under this scheme, Windows users will suddenly need access to a Linux box to read the documents they receive. Oh, darn!

STEP 2. Flood the Internet with pro-Linux advertisements.

Red Hat and other distributors would quietly create viral software that runs on Windows in the same manner as "Gator". This code would secretly replace banner advertisements on websites with Linux banner ads. (If necessary, it would cover up the blank images inserted by ad-blocking proxies designed to cover up "Top Text" ads designed to cover up Gator ads designed to cover up real ads.)

Naturally, this clandestine pro-Linux activity would be fully disclosed within the software's End User License Agreement near the bottom printed in Flyspeck-3 font and encoded in ROT13.

STEP 3. Exploit the viral properties of the GNU General Public License.

For years, the Ziff-Davis pundits, Microsoft spokesweasals, and disgruntled Slashdot flamers have all been claiming that the GPL is a "virus". It's time to prove them right.

GNU compilers would be modified to inject GPL'd code into the binaries they create. Thus, these binaries would be "infected" by the GPL.

Emacs would be modified to secretly inject the full text of the GPL into any source code created with it. Thus, this code would be "infected" by the GPL.

Gzip and tar would be modified to secretly include a COPYING file within each archive created. Thus, all of the files distributed inside the tarball would be "infected" by the GPL.

Before long, the majority of software in the world would be covered by the GPL and world domination would be at hand.


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