Update: Windows XP Is Good For The Economy
Fake News written by on Tuesday, August 21, 2001
Last week, the Blartner Group reported that the release of Windows XP could spell disaster for the world economy. After receiving a large "stipend" from Microsoft, the Blartner Group has retracted that report and issued a replacement study entitled "The release of Windows XP will create thousands of new jobs".
This new study argues that future Microsoft products will spur new job openings throughout the world, including everything from "License Managers" to "Server Babysitters" to "Bluescreen Boys".
"People have always worried that computers would take over and eliminate jobs," said a reformed Ted Blartner. "Yeah, right. Thanks to Microsoft, new career opportunities are becoming reality every day."
Blartner predicts that major companies will need to hire full-time "License Managers" to keep track of every Windows license and Certificate of Authenticity the company has ever acquired.
Blartner argues, "Microsoft's piracy police will start making surprise inspections at large companies to check for compliance. To prepare for these 'compliance visits' will require thousands of man-hours of filling out and organizing paperwork."
He added, "...Microsoft will probably start requiring companies to submit retinal scans, social-security numbers, and home addresses of each and every employee who has ever touched a Windows box. This information, of course, will be used by the Microsoft piracy police to make a surprise inspection of the employee's home to verify that they haven't smuggled out any Microsoft CDs over the weekend 'for testing purposes'."
"All of this will be spelled out in the End-User License Agreements for Windows XP and other Microsoft innovations," he pointed out. "But who wants to read a 523 page document written in Flyspeck-3?"
Meanwhile, companies who install Windows on the back-end will need to hire "Server Babysitters" (also known as MCSEs). These people hover around Windows servers and reboot them at the first sign of trouble (i.e., every other hour).
Server Babysitters have cell phones, beepers, laptops with Internet access, satellite phones, CB radios, two-cans-tied-to-a-string, telegraphs, and other forms of communication so that other employees can contact them whenever a Microsoft product crashes for the millionth time.
"Microsoft products are just like little kids," said another Blartner Group researcher. "They require constant monitoring and attention. A cranky kid might destroy the boss's favorite Ming vase... but a cranky Windows server might destroy the boss's PowerPoint presentation he's supposed to give in 3.2 minutes to a bunch of venture capitalists wanting to invest billions. A baby requires new diapers to be installed all of the time... but a Windows box requires new security patches to be installed all of the time. The similarities are striking."
He added, "...And just as immature kids need babysitters, immature operating systems need babysitters. That provides job opportunities for thousands of computer science graduates who got pushed through college even though they can't tell a C program from a DOS batch file. Thank you, Microsoft!"
According to the revised Blartner Group study, the release of Windows XP will create at least 5,000 new jobs through the tech sector.
We here at Humorix would tend to agree... somewhat. We also expect the impending release of Windows XP to produce 5,000 new jobs. But they will be filled by Linux system administrators hired by companies desperately trying to flee the sinking ship known as Microsoft.
Or something like that.