Crashback: Truth, Stranger, Fiction

Real News posted by James Baughn on Friday, August 24, 2001

from the here-we-go-again dept.

It's time yet again to get on our hands and knees and beg for forgiveness. While we have established strict rules and guidelines to prevent our fake news stories from becoming true, our efforts have proven unsuccessful.

We would like to apologize for the confusion between our real fake news articles and our fake fake news articles.

Won't somebody please think of the adults?

In May, we "reported" that Bill Gates was in desperate need for money to ride out the dotcom recession and fight the Department of Justice. Earlier, in June 2000, we ran a story on a group of clueless geeks trying to raise money to "save" Microsoft.

Okay, we admit it. We messed up. These stories have become true.

Michael Moore has spearheaded a mission to raise charitable contributions for Microsoft. The objective of the program is:

To help Bill Gates recoup the massive amount of money he loses whenever small charities make copies of his already-purchased, outdated software while trying to assist desperately poor children.

We here at Humorix feel this cause deserves our whole-hearted support. The staff of Humorix has pledged a grand total of US$1e-26 towards this worthy charity.

Carnivore develops a taste for wireless messaging

We've received word that everybody's favorite privacy-invading scheme (no, we're talking about Carnivore, not Microsoft Passport) may now have the capability to scan wireless text messages sent via cellphones.

Regular readers of Humorix -- all four of you -- should have seen this coming. Earlier this year we "reported" that Carnivore had been upgraded to scan wireless messages sent via the "Carrier Pigeon Internet Protocol".

Sorry about that.

Do-It-Yourself ISP

Robert X. Cringely published an article today that provides instructions on building your own DSL line while bypassing exorbitant telco fees.

We've been way ahead of you, Bob. In 1998, we "reported" on building a do-it-yourself network with two-cans-and-a-string while bypassing the telco completely.

As far as we can tell, two-cans-and-a-string technology has not found its way on to the radar screen of the FBI. Let's just hope they don't start scanning Dinty Moore networks with Carnivore.

Don't trust us; we still have some journalistic integrity

You might be thinking to yourself, "Self, this Humorix site is full of false advertising! They keep claiming their articles are 'fake news' when in reality they are reality!"

Don't panic. The vast majority of Humorix fake news articles will forever remain fake news articles. Don't let a few bad apples spoil everything.

For instance:

  • The story "Rob Malda Buys Mir Space Station" is definitely untrue. Since Mir has been destroyed, we don't expect that Taco Boy will ever own it... well, unless he decides to go scuba diving in the Pacific and start collecting the wreckage. (But since Taco Boy has never been spotted more than 1.2 feet away from a computer indoors, that simply isn't going to happen.)

  • We can be quite certain that the article "On Topic Usenet Newsgroup" is false. The concept of an "on topic newsgroup" is such an oxymoron that it boggles the mind that such a ludicrous thing could ever become reality.

  • Finally, the story "Did Al Gore Pass The Turing Test? The Results Are Still Coming In..." is definitely false. Al Gore is not a form of artificial intelligence. Why? Robots don't go on eating binges and start gaining weight after losing a competition.

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