Federal Agents Help Society (Really!)

Fake News written by James Baughn on Wednesday, August 29, 2001

from the this-story-is-not-a-rerun dept.

The FBI&PV (Federal Bureau of Investigation & Privacy Violations) is not exactly the most popular agency in the United States. Its tarnished reputation could quickly change, however, with the announcement that the bureau will start using its technology for good and not evil.

That's right. The Privacy Invading Scheme Formerly Known As Carnivore And Now Known As The "It's For The Children Protocol" (IFTCP) will be used to track and apprehend members of one of the most vile criminals classes in the history of the world -- spammers.

Using IFTCP, a Federal agent can locate the name, address, social security number, current GPS location, political affiliation, shoe size, and cola preference for a spammer within five minutes.

Of course, it should be noted that the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) has been doing this for years. Just today our spies were able to isolate the postal address of the bad guy who posted a spam message to the Humorix mailing list -- a crime we don't take lightly.

For your convenience, the mailing address associated with the domain name mentioned in the spam message is posted below:

537 Newport Center Drive #195
Newport Beach, CA 92660

[Lawyer's Note: By posting this mailing address, we do NOT in any way endorse or condone the sending of letter-bombs, cow dung, or 16-ton weights to this evil spammer. Thank you.]

Needless to say, the FBI&PV's new anti-spam crusade isn't flying too well with unsolicited bulk email distributors. Argued one spammer who wished to remain anonymous (he sent his message via 52 different anonymizers), "There's no federal law against spamming! But there is a federal law against what the FBI&PV plans to do! It's called the DMCA."

He explained, "If a Federal agent uses Carnivore to track a spam message and then makes a copy to keep as evidence without our permission, that's a violation of our copyright! Obviously Carnivore is an anti-circumvention device that's clearly illegal. Why aren't FBI&PV agents arresting other agents right now?"

The spammers' legal defense probably won't matter in the end. President Dubya has ordered the new missile defense system modified so that incoming enemy missiles are not destroyed. Instead, they are deflected towards the GPS coordinates of a known spammer.

"It's a win-win situation," explained an FBI&PV agent. "We protect national security while punishing spammers at the same time. What a deal! And it's all made possible by the It's For The Children Protocol."

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