Microsoft To Bundle Free Computers With Windows XP

Fake News written by James Baughn on Sunday, September 2, 2001

from the no-such-thing-as-a-free-computer dept.

The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) has obtained a leaked memo from deep within the bowels of Microsoft, which we've code-named the "Labor Day Document". This .doc file contains the not-so-top-secret pricing scheme for Windows XP that will be unveiled to the unsuspecting public next week.

According to this memo, the price for Windows XP Home Supplicant Edition will be higher than most new computers. In order to entice customers to upgrade, Microsoft plans to bundle a free computer with each copy.

Of course, Microsoft's definition of a "computer" may not be what you expect. These Personal Windows Appliances (PWA) will contain a WinModem, WinSoundCard, WinHardDrive, WinMathCoProcessor, WinSerialPort, WinPowerSupply, WinUSBPort, WinDIMM memory module, WinBIOS chip, WinBatteryPoweredClock, WinHeatSink, and of course a WinOffOnSwitch.

The PWA case -- available in six "fruity" colors -- will include a built-in WinMonitor, WinSpeaker, and WinMicrophone. Naturally, the case is welded shut and any attempt to pry it open will activate the WinSelfDestructModule. The machine won't contain any floppy or CD-ROM drives because, well, why would anybody ever need to install any software that isn't pre-installed?

The Labor Day Document states, "...any resemblance between the Microsoft PWA and the Apple iMac is strictly coincidental. We will definitely want the Marketing Department to constantly advertise that this is an original innovation..."

The machine will include a 1.2 GHz Intel WinCPU, but because of all of the bundled soft-hardware, the machine will effectively run at a speed that might rival an 8086 4.77MHz system. However, the entire "appliance" will only cost $50 to build, a mere trifle compared to the MSRP of Windows XP.

As an added incentive, the PWA version of XP won't contain mandatory registration or other anti-piracy features. The document explains, "It's physically impossible to make an unauthorized copy of Windows XP from one of these appliances. It doesn't have any disk drives... and nobody will ever attempt to upload a 20 gigabyte operating system through the machine's only Internet connection, a crippled 56K software modem."

You've probably already figured out that this computer won't run Linux. At all. Everything is run from the CPU and requires the support of Windows. For instance, the bundled 60 gigabyte hard drive (20 GB reserved for Windows and the rest reserved for the swap file) doesn't contain any hardware circuitry -- the WinCPU directly controls the drive's heads and manually specifies when and were to write each and every one and zero.

Even the fan and heat sink requires the direct intervention of the CPU to work. The CPU must execute a "SpinFan" instruction for each and every revolution of the fan's blades.

Therefore, any attempt to install a non-Microsoft operating system will cause the machine to seize up like a rock and become a giant, oversized paper weight with large "Microsoft" logos plastered all over it.

In the conclusion of the Labor Day Document, it says, "Microsoft has successfully cut off the air supply of Netscape. But with this initiative, we plan to cut off the power supply to every computer manufacturer!"

Spokespersons for Dell, Compaq, Gateway, HP, and other soon-to-be-bankrupt OEMs were all unavailable for comment at press time.

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