Dateline 2006: World Peace Established!
Fake News From The Future posted by on Saturday, September 9, 2006
Nuclear warheads sit in deserted silos. Military bases gather dust. Weapons factories and arsenals remain vacant. Radar sites monitor empty skies. World peace has been established.
But at what cost? Every single man, woman, and child -- all 6.4 billion humans -- are now sitting behind bars worldwide because each of us violated some law, some where, some how.
What a mess. For years I predicted a dystopic future where lawyers run amok: the Lawyerclysm. Little did I know that judges, prosecutors, and police officers would instead take control and make the grab for world domination, paving the way for the "Legalclysm", a term I just made up.
Now I wish we hadn't killed all the lawyers back in 2002. If I had a good defense attorney, I never would have been convicted of drinking a beer and violating Taliban law. I wouldn't be sitting in an Afghanistan prison right now side-by-side with 4.2 billion other convicts.
We all know how this mess first started. Some book-throwing judge decided that a Russian programmer could be incarcerated in the US for something that was perfectly legal in Russia. Then some lawsuit-happy judge decided that an American could be found guilty of violating Australian libel laws for something published on a US website.
Things went downhill from there. The oppressive laws of Afghanistan, North Korea, and Cuba immediately became the de facto laws of the entire world.
Drink a beer in Australia? Go to jail in Afghanistan.
Create anti-circumvention software in Russia? Go to jail in California.
Buy a replica Nazi officer's dagger from an eBay auction? Go to jail in France.
Publish an "unregistered" political website in Canada? Go to jail in Singapore.
Say something negative about Communism in an AOL chat room? Go to jail in North Korea.
Smoke a joint in Amsterdam? Go to jail in Albuequerque.
Have an abortion in the US? Go to jail in Germany.
Engage in an extra-marrital affair with an intern? You don't even want to know what will happen in Afghanistan.
Say something bad about Fidel Castro while working on the International Space Station? Get stuffed out the nearest airlock by special order of the dictator himself.
Connect to the Internet with an unauthorized computer that doesn't contain "Digital Rights Management" hardware? Get the death penalty in California. And then go to jail in Afghanistan if you somehow survive.
From 2001 to 2006, every single person on the planet was arrested, deported, convicted, and sentenced. Semi-intelligent robots were created to man the farms, power plants, sewers, and handcuff factories.
Unfortunately, these robots all use the Linux operating system. If they ran Windows, we could easily cause them to crash by chanting "C-colon-backslash-C-O-N-backslash-C-O-N". The human race could then rebel and escape while the robots reboot. But that won't work with Linux machines having an estimated uptime of thousands of years.
Right now I'm sitting in a prison complex surrounded by 4.2 billion people from around the world convicted of violating Taliban law. Meanwhile, the rest of the world population is rotting away in North Korea, Cuba, Australia, Iran, China, or the United States.
The human race is doomed.
I'm carving this article into the walls of my cell. Maybe, just maybe, some future archeologist will discover this warning and alert his fellow ants, or cockroaches, or whales, or Venus fly-traps, to the awesome danger of a runaway legal system. Maybe the future sentient inhabitants of this planet will design their laws with some measure of common sense.
But probably not. I suspect my English carvings will be undecipherable by the coming canine civilization (or whatever evolves next), but at least I'm trying.
If only I could convert my prison cell's toilet into some kind of a time travel device and go back into the 20th Century and warn everybody about the coming Legalclysm...