Microsoft Conspiracy Theory #16,777,216

Fake News written by James Baughn on Saturday, September 22, 2001

from the who-needs-pinky-and-the-brain? dept.

If it wasn't for Microsoft, the life of a conspiracy theorist would be extremely dull. The Humorix Vast Conspiracy Research Division(tm) has uncovered yet another Microsoft conspiracy that, as usual, makes excellent filler material. This time, the Redmondistas plan to acquire the Internet through the deployment of unscrupulous shrinkwrap license agreements.

According to yet another spelling-inpaired unconfirmed rumor posted to Slashdot, certain versions of Microsoft FrontPage contain an EULA clause that prohibits using the software to bash Microsoft or promote "racism, hatred, or pornography". However, our research indicates that this is only the tip of the iceberg.

All future versions of Microsoft products will contain this EULA 2.0. Moreover, the license agreement will only be provided in Word 2000 format, requiring users to accept the Word 2000 license before being able to read the Word 2000 license and any others. Of course, these EULAs will contains several megabytes of legalese in Flyspeck-Minus-3 font and will be completely undecipherable by all humans (but lawyers will be able to read it).

So, Microsoft's conspiracy for world domination works like this:

  1. Quietly infect all Microsoft products with EULA 2.0 that prohibits pornography.

  2. Wait until porn websites deploy the new Microsoft products.

  3. Sue the heck out of the porn websites for violating the EULA.

  4. Acquire the doomed sites.

  5. Since pornography is one of the few things on the Net that still makes money, Microsoft will vastly increase its revenue stream.

  6. Monopolize all pornography worldwide. At this point, world domination is within Bill Gates' grasp because the typical man will do anything to keep the naughty jpegs coming!

It seems pretty clear that the Humorix Vast Conspiracy Research Division(tm) is on to something. After all, with all of the perverted things Microsoft has done so far, monopolizing pornography is not that far fetched. If you thought Microsoft's actions were obscene before, you ain't seen nothing yet!

We should be afraid. Very afraid.

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