Sircam Virus Fights Terrorism! (Says Microsoft)

Fake News written by James Baughn on Thursday, September 27, 2001

from the spinning-out-of-control dept.

The weasals in the Microsoft Marketing Department have done it again. Faced with yet another PR disaster following multiple virus outbreaks, the marketers have worked overtime to create one of the most fiendish spin campaigns ever.

The Sircam Virus, according to a series of press releases spewed by Marketing, actually represents a useful law enforcement tool for catching suspected terrorists, child pornographers, baby killers, and (of course) evil hackers and pirates.

Explained the Marketing Department's Vice President Of Spin Control, Mr. Seymour Hipe, "Sircam sends out random documents found in the victim's 'My Documents' folder. This provides an excellent law enforcement tool -- if somebody receives a top-secret terrorist plan in Word format, they can forward the document to the FBI&PV."

While the FBI&PV has received well over 100,000 tips relating to the terrorist case, the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm), after extensive research, has concluded that exactly zero of these tips have involved illicit documents sent by Sircam.

This minor fact doesn't trouble Microsoft Marketing. Says Mr. Hipe, "Who knows what might happen in the future? What if the ringleader of the terrorist plot is caught because somebody happens to receive a document entitled 'Top Secret Plan To Destroy WTC As Envisioned By Osama Bid Laden'? Then what will you think of Microsoft's shoddy programming that easily allows anti-terrorism viruses to spread?"

Another Microserf chimed in, "Let's not forget about other viruses! By bringing Windows servers to their knees, the Nimda virus prevents would-be terrorists from communicating using evil, diabolical encryption software. Meanwhile, Linux servers that stay up for years at a time provide a perfect platform for terrorist activities. Windows provides the kind of unstable, unreliable computing platform that helps to thwart terrorism, child pornography, baby killing, and music piracy. Linux does not."

Excuse me while I go find a barf bag.

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