8GB Ought To Be Enough For Anybody
Fake News written by on Saturday, October 13, 2001
REDMOND, WA -- In a shocking move, Microsoft has revealed that the new Xbox console will only contain an 8 gigabyte hard drive. This implies that the machines will use a version of the Windows operating system that fits within only 8GB. Squeezing Windows into such a small footprint must certainly be one of the greatest technological achievements ever crafted by Microsoft's Research & Assimilation Department.
"I can't believe it," said one industry observer who always happens to show up when this Humorix reporter needs to quote somebody. "To think that they were able to strip away the easter egg flight simulators, the multi-gigabyte yet content-free Help files, and all of the other crap that comes bundled with Windows is simply remarkable. I don't even want to think about all of the manpower, blood, sweat, and tears required to distill Windows into only 8 gigabytes of bare essentials. Wow!"
The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) obtained a leaked memo from Red Hat based on a leaked memo from Sony based on a leaked memo from Microsoft that sheds some light on the situation. According to this source, Microsoft originally planned on installing 10GB hard drives because they assumed it was simply impossible to force Windows into anything smaller than 10 gigs. But Microsoft's engineers pulled off the impossible. Since the company didn't want to leave 2 gigabytes of free space on the Xbox's hard drive (space that could be used by evil hackers to install Linux or other non-Microsoft programs), management decided to reduce the drives to 8 gigs and save some pennies in the process.
We've also received word that even though the Xbox version of Windows has been sliced and diced mercilessly to bring it down to 8 gigs, it still contains the core features that Microsoft groupies have come to expect. For instance, the bluescreen is still in there. And Solitaire is still included, although the Xbox version features three-dimensional rendering technology to make the cards look even more realistic.
Hard drive manufacturers are deeply disturbed over the news. Explained one PR flack at Eastern Analog, "We depend on Microsoft to continually produce bloated software that becomes larger and larger with each passing day. We can't sell huge 100GB drives if Microsoft Windows only occupies a measly 8 gigs! The majority of people simply don't have enough porn and MP3s to fill up their current hard drives. They will never buy a new drive if Microsoft doesn't force them!"
The Xbox is expected to go on sale "next month", although it's not entirely clear whether that means November 2001... or November 2002.