Bill Gates Receives Slap On Wrist; Carpal Tunnel Flares Up

Fake News written by James Baughn on Friday, November 2, 2001

from the this-is-starting-to-sound-like-the-onion dept.

REDMOND, WA -- The phrase "slap on the wrist" usually signifies an extremely minor punishment received for a crime. In Bill Gates' case, the punishment set forth in the tentative settlement with the Department Of Justice hasn't been quite so minor. After receiving a slap on the wrist from the DOJ, Bill Gates' is now suffering from a severe case of carpal tunnel syndrome.

"Mr. Gates was slapped on the left wrist earlier today by a DOJ lawyer," said the chief surgeon of the mini-hospital enclosed within the Gates Mansion. "Now he can't move that hand without extreme pain. It's obvious that years of sitting in front of a computer plotting world domination has caused his hands and nerves to become fragile and vulnerable to even the slightest touch."

The settlement sent Microsoft's stock up several points today, increasing Bill Gates' portfolio by a cool billion or so. With this extra cash, the Chief Bloatware Architect can easily afford the best medical care possible. He wants wrist surgery performed as soon as possible. Not only is his left hand essential for typing internal memos describing how to cut off the air supply of Microsoft competitors (assuming any still exist), it's also vital for quickly issuing a CTRL-ALT-DELETE key sequence.

"He'll be back to playing Solitaire (on the computer) and Monopoly (in the real world) within a matter of days," boasted the chief surgeon. "And if by some strange chance the surgery is unsuccessful, we might consider paying somebody a billion or so to donate a limb for an arm transplant."

The Department of Justice proclaimed that the incident has vindicated their actions. Explained the lawyer who delivered the punishment, "We've been accused of selling out to Microsoft. We've been criticized for giving up even though we've already won the game. But that's all wrong. It's quite clear that the slap-on-the-wrist punishment we settled on has been anything but a slap on the wrist. We won this case and Microsoft lost. So there!"

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