Do You Want Linux With That?

Fake News written by James Baughn on Sunday, November 25, 2001

from the stuff-to-eat dept.

In the beginning was VA Research, which became VA Linux and later VA Software. Then the company changed its name to "VA [null]" after deciding to focus business operations on absolutely nothing. Now, after listening to irate comments by shareholders, the company's leaders have decided to change the name to "VA Burger" and open a chain of fast-food restaurants across the country.

"We've got to make money somehow," explained Mr. N. Compuhtunt, the company's new Vice President of Food Operations & Secret Sauces. "What better way than to sell geek-themed processed foodstuffs?"

The first "VA Burger" joint -- scheduled to open in the office building formerly occupied by the failed dotcom -- will feature broadband Internet access terminals at each booth, free Linux CD-ROMs for all customers, and a scrolling marquee of the latest Slashdot headlines.

Oh, and VA Burger will sell food also. The menu will include such items as:

  • The GNU/Linux/Lettuce/Beef/ Tomato/Pickle/Onion/Ketchup/ SecretSauce/Bread/Burger - Three cents of each GLLBTPOKSSBB sold will go to the GNU Project.

  • ESR Flamewar Surprise - A burger loaded with enough hot peppers to send flames out of your nostrils.

  • burger.rc - A fully-customizable burger for hard-core geeks only. Customers will sit down at their seats, fire up their favorite text editor at the terminal, and then edit a complex configuration file describing exactly what items they want on their burger, in what order, and in what quantities. When completed, the customer e-mails the text file to a cook who then interprets the file and compiles the burger.

  • BurgerXP - Just as Microsoft Windows is an imperfect simulation of a real operating system, this vegetarian burger is an imperfect simulation of real beef. No animals were harmed in the production of this menu item, although millions of taste buds of the human beta-taste-testers were injured when they came in contact with this tofu concoction.

  • Hollywood Sandwich (with Digestion Rights Management(tm) controls) - A special burger for Hollywood industry executives and lawyers only. When ordering this item, the customer must consent to an End-Consumer License Agreement which prohibits more than one person from consuming the burger without an additional license. The burger is served on a plate with DRM sensors that detect "unauthorized sharing" or "burger piracy" and then set off an alarm.

  • Bottomless Caffeine Supply - Every booth will contain a DAC (Direct Access Caffeine) port filled with either hot coffee or Eye-Opener(tm) brand caffeinated beverage. For $2.95, customers will receive a DAC-to-mouth interface adapter (a straw) allowing them to ingest as much liquid as they can stand.

The company hopes to earn enough money from the new chain of restaurants to stay in business for another year. "If we can hold out for just a few more months, we can easily set a world record for the longest-running dotcom without a bankruptcy," explained one VA Burger accountant.

VA Burger stock (formerly listed on Nasdaq as LNUX, now listed on Bob's Basement Stock Exchange as VABU) stock rose 50% in light trading on Friday to reach 0.01 cents, a new 26-week high.

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