Humorix Unveils New Form Of Intrusive, Annoying Advertising

Press Release posted by James Baughn on Sunday, December 9, 2001

from the reverse-psychology-doesn't-work dept.

In a last-ditch effort to make money and increase its stock (Nasdaq: FAUX) above 0.00001 cents, Humorix World Domination announced today a new Web advertising medium code-named "Blackmail".

"Banner ads, full screen ads, pop-unders, pop-overs, pop-arounds, dancing paper clips, and other forms of advertising have all failed on the Web," explained Mr. Wee Zell, Humorix's new Chief of Marketing & Getting Rich Quick. "But we've designed a new system guaranteed to increase click-through rates to nearly 100%."

The innovative "Blackmail" system works by presenting visitors with a simple choice: "Click on this advertisement or else!" If the customer refuses, JavaScript code on the webpage will redirect the browser to "C:CONCON" which will immediately cause a Win9x system to bluescreen. If that doesn't work, the Blackmail system will order the browser to load a page containing 1,000,000 nested tables, which will likely cause Netscape to crash. And if that fails, Blackmail will redirect the browser to a random porn site, preferably one that automatically plays loud audio clips not suitable for children or most adults.

"It's just like a hot stove," explained Mr. Zell. "Once you burn your hand once, you won't touch a hot stove again. And once you get burned by Blackmail, you won't try to ignore the advertising again. By guaranteeing that visitors will click on their advertisments, we can charge premium rates to our sponsors."

The new advertising system also has another large benefit. "When a website unveils a new obnoxious form of advertising, Slashdot and other high-traffic sites always link to them!" boasted Mr. G. E. Trich, Humorix's Investor Relations Liason & Executive Book Cooker. "According to our research, when we launch Blackmail, there is a 98.3% probability that Slashdot will place a link to Humorix within 24 hours, boosting our traffic by 100,000%!

Mr. Trich continued, "We also plan to enforce an anti-linking policy to increase the number of sites that link to us. When KPMG demanded that webmasters obtain permission to link to them, everybody and their brother linked to them without permission. We want the same thing to happen to Humorix. Hopefully we can convince Taco Boy over at Slashdot to post two stories about Humorix -- one about Blackmail and one about our anti-link policy."

Humorix plans to launch the Blackmail system on December 15, 2001. If you have questions, concerns, comments, or flames about the proposed advertising medium, please send an email to flames [at] i-want-a-website [dot] com. We promise not to sell your name and address to evil spammers in exchange for desperately needed cash. We also promise not to send you an email with a Perl script attachment that silently changes your browser's configuration file to replace the line "javascript=disabled" with "javascript=enabled" to better prepare your browser for the Blackmail experience.

This press release was produced by Say Hi To Hype Media Relations, your number one source for buzzword-laden content-free publications this side of Microsoft.

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